Fingers crossed!

Oh, there's a lot going on, and I am not really sure where to start.

At the beginning, you say? Well, alright.

The other morning, around 7:00 am, I got a facebook message from a former grad school classmate. She has been working at a CC for a year, and last year I had given her some tips about how to get the job. They needed someone for developmental English, and she hadn't taught it, but I had.

In the message she tells me that her school is getting ready to hire another English instructor, and she thinks that I will be a very good fit for the job.

I got excited. I want a more secure job, I don't want to move, I want to teach what I have been teaching, and I want to make more money. This job is all of those things.

Today is Thursday. The call came on Monday. Since Monday, I have been trying to get the application package ready while also trying to keep up with grading and end of the semester stuff.

In the end, I have been able to put together a cover letter, three letters of recommendation, list of references, samples of student work, a CV, an application, and a teaching philosophy. That's a lot of stuff!

Yesterday, I mailed it all off, and now I wait.

Grace, my grad school friend, is doing her best to talk me up and get people interested in looking at my application. She has been keeping me up to date about her conversations and what I need to expect. If i do get the interview, she even has plans to coach me for the interview.

All of this is too good to be true, so of course I have convinced myself that it will not happen.

There is a mountain of work for me to grade today, so I need to get started on that. I hope I can wade through it and stay focused.

A room with(out) a view

Maybe I revealed this secret in my past post, but I am caught up with grading. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't have grading to do. It just means that what I have isn't late getting back to students, and that I don't currently have any work that needs to get back in an unreasonable amount of time.

That does not mean that I am not busy.

It means that every time I sit to grade, I am working on a very big pile of work that I consider in the order in which it needs to be done.

This week I find myself uneasy admitting to others that I am not under some huge pile of work.

It sounds like some sort of backdoor brag, but it isn't. It's nothing to brag about, but damn if the looks teachers give me doesn't shut me the hell up.

A co-worker told me this week that people are afraid of the hard workers, and that I will actually be asked to do less if I am the kind of person who gets work done. While it sounds NUTS, I actually do understand what she meant.

The world seems to expect that every task will be completed with things still left undone. Complete no longer means the whole thing is done; it just means that you have come to a point where you have stopped working on it.

I'm gonna call bullshit on the world if that really is the case.

Is there a place where I can go where the fact that I am a job-completer will actually see me happier because I can finish instead of hiding and pretending that is now who I am?

Recently, I saw an ad for a job. The museum is hiring what are essentially fund-raising tour guides. They need someone with a BA and good communication skills as well as an interest in Art. For longer than I should have, i pondered that maybe this was the career change I had been waiting for.

How would that look on my CV? "10 years teaching post-secondary education, now employed as museum tour-guide." Would that raise some eyebrows?

Personally, I think that is the story worth telling at this point in my life.

There is just under a week of classes left and then a few days of exams. My desk is not bending under the weight of ungraded work, but my eyes are starting to look out the window and wonder.

Wait, my office doesn't have a window.

Back to work.

In a minute there is time

A week from tomorrow is the last day of classes. Exams start a week from Friday. Is that right? That doesn't seem right...

The good news is that I am not behind. I am actually pretty caught up, and this gives me great joy. I have a small and doable stack of papers that I need to grade by Monday. I actually think I can sit down and get them all done in one felt swoop. That's the thing about April. Momentum is established!

The weekend was good. We went to see a comic on Saturday night, and it was nice to sit in a room full of strangers and laugh. Laughing is good. Always? Yes, probably.

Easter came and went with barely a flicker on my radar. I went to the grocery store on Sunday and really liked seeing the little kids in their Easter outfits. It was fun to tell them that I liked their clothes. I hope I wasn't creepy.

Is that all??

I really feel like I am leaving something out...

I guess that's it. I have been working a lot, trying to feel all of my feelings, and just plugging along to the bitter end.

Classes are how they tend to be at this point in the semester. Frustration is building amongst the students. I like to think that it is frustration stemming from their realization that they have waited too late to start trying, but I suspect some of that is directed at me Misdirected, mind you, but that it what it feels like every year.

I am looking forward to the end, and I am looking forward to having a bit of time to not think about the hustle. I am looking forward to starting a days-long project and not a project that can only be completed in the tiny time I have available. You know?

Smiling through the pain

Last week I was worried about a Lit class. I am happy to report that I think it went well this week. I planned a good lesson, taught as well as I can, and now it is in their hands. It's so disappointing when smart kids don't challenge themselves and when not so smart kids don't try to excel beyond that boundary. Time is on their side for one more week. I hope I end up with a lot of them coming to talk to me about their papers.

Last weekend was a very busy one. Judith Butler on Thursday was excellent and the operas were great as well. We enjoyed the crawfish festival. On Saturday night we decided to go to a movie, and there were these awful people in the crowd. I'm not sure why, but it totally rubbed me the wrong way. I ended up taking it out on Greg, and that's when the lid came off.

The lid with him? Meh. Not really I ended up breaking down and sobbing the kind of sobs that leave the body tired the next day. I think I am finally trying to deal with the thoughts and feelings associated with Nathan's not coming back.

What has happened since that Sunday has been a little hard to deal with. I just wanted to go to bed. Really, until Tuesday, I couldn't shake the sadness. I actually spent most of Tuesday in bed. Greg was not helpful, but I guess I need to stop thinking that he is going to come rushing to my aide every time I get sad? I don't know. One mountain at a time.

I am nowhere near where I need to be as far as mental health is concerned, but I do feel a little better that I was finally a little honest about how I feel. Will I tell you here? Nope. I'm just not ready to see it in writing. That's as honest as I can be and as open as I can be as well. It's baby-stepping for sure, but there you go.

There are about 2 weeks of classes left until exams. And I am counting them down. Everyday I wake up and remind myself that the end is near. I am ready for it, too.

Yesterday, a co-worker and I made plans to rent a cabin at a local state park. The reservation is made, and we are really looking forward to it. Leslie and Barry will share a space with Greg and me for 2 nights. I think it will be fun, and I am looking forward to building a closer friendship. Pics to come!

I am also planning a surprise birthday party for two other co-workers. Tammy and Cathy both have birthdays that are a day apart. This is a pretty good excuse to get the house in shape! I hung the pretty lights last night in anticipation of having guests (in a month...).

Today will see me grading the things that should have been graded in Tuesday. I am in danger of getting behind, so I am trying to get back to where I need to be before the weekend hits. What will i do this weekend? Well, I will be grading of course!

2 more weeks... 2 more weeks.... 2 more weeks...

Planting seeds

Today I am sitting on the back porch after doing some housework. Tonight Greg and I are going to Rhodes to hear Judith Butler speak about Zionism. I read her a lot when I was in grad school, so I am looking forward to hearing what she has to say. I am curious about whether any of it will come rushing back to me.

I had a really tough Lit class yesterday, and I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I am going to fix what happened.

I teach three classes, and my third class always goes so badly, and yesterday was pretty awful. The short story is that they don't really have the ability to answer questions literally, and when I told them their answers were wrong, they did not like it.

It would be very easy to say they are not used to being told they are wrong and address that, but that isn't helpful and it really isn't their fault. I need to find the right gear and move forward.

I sort of have an idea, but if I can't do it in one day, then I am not going to do it. Basically, I am going to try to write the paper based on the readings from before the break. They can't use them, and I think they will understand what they need to do if they see it in practice.

Anyway, that's where my thoughts are for now. I hope that next week I can work on it, but for now, I am going to try to come up with a plan that I think will work.

Perspective

To deal with the separation anxiety I seem to have developed, I decided to send Nathan an Easter gift. I loaded up a box with things that he and I have specific Easter memories of. Only after I had written the note and shipped it to Virginia did it occur to me... we won't be adding to those memories. I feel like I am trying to tie him to me by getting him to think about the past that we have. That maybe it will somehow replace the present that we no longer have. The future that's so uncertain.

It's possible that the progress I thought I was making is sliding back a bit. Awareness of how I feel is all I am trying to have.

Today I am attacking grading and yard. I planted a hydrangea. I am really hoping that it does not die.

Later today, Greg and I are going to get another plant stand because I bought too many herbs for the stand that we have. I appreciate that he wants to go with me to get the stand, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he doesn't really care one way or the other.

I think we only have about 4 weeks of classes left. It doesn't matter what is left. It feels like the beginning of the end, but even I know that this really is the hardest part no matter how short or long it feels.

There will be a day very soon when I will feel better. For now, that's the faith I have. I know that for every good thing there is a bad thing, and that balance is all about perspective. I need a better look at the world in order to improve my perspective.

That's my plan today. Try to look at it all instead of only what's right in front of my face.

A Change in the Weather

I'm doing ok, you know? Everyday is a little move into a direction that I am at least getting used to. I know that doesn't sound like much, but it feels like it's a little lighter than it was last week. I'll count it.

This past week has found me trying to focus on work and the yard in order to find an outlet for the grief. The yard is shaping up, and the work is abated (for now).

I have planted, potted, and dug as much as a sane person should and just a little more to count it as insane. So far, the yard is starting to show signs of the work. It feels good to sit outside (right now, actually) and see what I have done with my hands.

As far as work goes, it's kind of the same thing. I can see what I have done, and I do think it feels pretty good to at least know that I think I am doing a good job.

Last week I was feeling really overwhelmed and a little concerned about what my students think about me. Truth is, I think they all hate me. I think they do. Really.

What it actually is, just so I don't come off as a totally paranoid person, is a student or two in each class that clearly don't want to be there and they have no problem letting their faces communicate that to me.

So there's that.

Clearly, I am overly sensitive at the moment, and I am just hoping that with time I will go back to being my tougher self.

It's important that I can see the good that I do and not get lost in the things that don't always work.

I think it is going to rain tomorrow and be a little cooler after that. For now, I am going to enjoy the weather. It changes and so will I.