Note to self

Hey,

It's 4:00 on a Wednesday, and I am at school. A student just left my office excited about the stuff he is going to be working on this semester. He promises to come to class and turn in all of his work. He says he knows that he is going to have to work hard, and he says that he is ready to do that.

Before he came in I was helping another girl with her article response. She wants to write a paper about education and teachers and money and stuff. She found an article about charter schools and hidden in a paragraph toward the end was this gem of a statement about how the charter school teachers get paid based on performance and responsibility unlike unionized teachers. I talked to her about what a statement like that is really saying. She smiled. I really hope she got it. I am anxious to read what she writes.

The students in my second class make me want to cuss. I may have actually cussed in class today. One student is so frustrated right now, and I don't know how to help him. He won't write anything down, and when he does, he doesn't write down the important parts of what he was thinking. I kept asking him to write something down, and he would just start talking again. He was frustrated, I was frustrated, and I feel like he walked away with a little less faith in what he can do as a student. I don't know how to help him.

I look out at these freshman faces, and well, I just feel... I feel... so overwhelmed by the job that I know I have to do just to be able to reach a few of them. So many of them will never see graduation day. I want so badly for them to learn good habits, think critically, and take an active role in their own lives. They don't even realize that in their lives they aren't at the wheel and that somewhere along the line that was a choice they made. I am standing up there giving them all I have in me hoping that will look into themselves and see how much power they have, how much good they can do, and how much fuller life can be if they would just start thinking for themselves.

That one guy, the one that walked away so frustrated, he wants answers. He provides the blank, and he wants me to fill in that blank. He really doesn't understand that he has the answer and that I am trying to help him find it for himself.

Everyday I love what I do. I work like I do because I believe that the world can be a better place if people will learn how to be the drivers in their own lives. That kind of lesson is impossible to learn in a short amount of time, and so all of this effort is a conscious, exhausting investment in an idea that I know I will never see the return on.

I'm not down and out, I am refueling. I thought I would just send you this little note so I can gather my thoughts before I get ready for round 3. Yay. Tonight is my night class. There are one or two bad eggs in there, but for the most part, well, I look forward to the renewal they give me before I head back to Jackson. They ask questions, respond thoughtfully, and, bless their hearts, they even laugh at my jokes.

I love what I do. I am proud of what I do. I feel like this is why I had to walk through some fires before I could sit at this desk. I am always going to look for the best way to reach them. I will do the hard work. I will do that without feeling like I need a reward or a pat on the back. I don't care how it sounds. I really mean it when I say I do it for them.

Take care.

SB