Snow flurries

Nathan has gone to Jackson for several days. I have made big plans to clean and scrub everything in existence while he is not here. However, I awoke to a delightful dusting and decided to read a new book. I have put the book down for a quick bite to eat and a quick entry, and then I am returning to the book. It is so freaking good. Sadly for my cleaning plans, this book is part of a trilogy... Ah best laid plans and all that.

I am accomplishing a lot of professional goals

The professional goals entry seems like an anti-climactic end, but so it goes. Thing is, it is actually a pretty good way to end the list because it is a beginning of sorts. You see, the times they are a changing, and job security is a luxury I do not have. Oh sure, I am well-liked and doing a good job, but that, dear reader, does not a tenured professor make. What will I do to make my star a little shinier? What will I do to make just a little easier to renew my contract every three years? I will be productive!

Amid a uniquely treacherous summer, I made a personal commitment to add at least 3 things to my CV. I have done just that! I worked for TN DOE in partnership with Pearson on two projects for the EOC test, I was elected and now serve on the department’s Lower Division Committee, and I had a paper accepted to a conference coming up in March. I also participated in two service projects as well as added another course to my CV. My service to the Committee also includes an ad hoc committee for textbook selection for fall courses, so I am sure I can find a way to work that onto the old CV. I suppose that means I doubled my goal number, but for now I am just going to enjoy meeting the goal not surpassing it.

There will be more, but I am slowing down a bit to make sure the things I have added are not just words on a page. I have these other goals that include really getting into the service I can do now that I am no longer in school.

Where is the PhD you might wonder? Well, it’s out there, y’all, it really is. Life is really good for now, and I am not in any hurry to rock the boat that sits finally on a tranquil lake. The view is nice. I want to savor it, rejoice in it, and marinate for a bit. For the first time in my life I can say that I think I deserve to enjoy what I have been working so hard towards having. There is sun and rain, warm and cold, and, yes, joy and pain.

My mother and I are not speaking

Look, I said I went away to a place where I could write moody blogs. This thing with my mom is what drove me there, and for some reason I really don’t want to go into every detail here. Sure, this on thing happened, and these words were spoken, and everything changed. However, I am happier than I have ever been, and I really think that part of my joy comes from releasing me from that relationship.

People have told me since all this happened that they knew my mom was mean and hard to handle and fake and all that. When people say that about a member of your family, you are supposed to get defensive and angry and rush to that family member’s aid. I don’t do that, I feel heard when people say that. I feel defended.

Things were sometimes good between us, I am the first to admit it. There were a lot of times that I felt really lucky to have a mom like mine. Ok, maybe a few times I felt that way. Alright, at least 5 times. The point is, in there somewhere there are some better moments than where we are now, but I am done. There isn’t anything I want to hear, there isn’t anything I feel like I need to say, and there isn’t enough time that will pass to make this better.

It’s the holidays, and I just want to make it through. The part of this that causes me the most strife is Nathan’s relationship with her. I don’t want to stand in the middle, and I don’t want to keep them apart. I make sure he gets time with all of his family because he loves them, and I won’t be the one tearing that love apart or challenging it. There is a tiny voice in my head that says , “You will figure it out someday.” But for now, I try to quiet that voice.

I know it is a vague rendering, and I am sorry if it seems superficial, but I really am done explaining it.

I am happy

I feel like I should save this one for last, but I am sticking to the list. Yes, I am happy. There is a post that will be following this one that might suggest otherwise, but all I have to say is that I am happier than I have ever been and it isn’t for just one reason alone. Every day holds something new and something old for me. For so long, I was working toward a goal, but because I was so afraid that life’s bottom would fall out, I was always afraid to really envision the fruits of my labors.

The first time I allowed myself to admit that I was happy, I did it in a whisper, and then I looked for the world to come crashing in on me. I was driving down Poplar on my way home right where I pass by the burger place and East High School. Nothing all that special had happened that day, and there wasn’t anything all the inspired at home. I was just driving, well sitting at a red light, and this really happy rush just sort of bubbled up inside me. Before I ducked and ran from it (metaphorically of course), I just named it. I thought to myself, “I am happy.”

I am pretty sure I waited for the end of it for a while, because it was a few weeks before I tried the words out again. In fact, I said them out loud. I was doing laundry on a Friday when Nathan was at school and I didn’t have to go to work, and I just said it. “I am happy.”

Look, y’all. I haven’t lost my mind. I was just programmed to believe that happy people are rich and thin and gorgeous. I was never taught to believe that happiness was something I could experience, and that is the rub and one of my more important discoveries.

Happiness is not a place, it is not a plane of existence, it is not a Mecca at the end of a perilous journey. Happiness is a feeling that we allow ourselves to find. It is there on the drive home, it is there in the laundry room, and it is even there when the world does come crashing in on me. As I move away from the sadness I have known and the work I have done, I realize that even in the past I was happy, and that by not allowing myself to experience it, I closed a lot of doors in my own face.

There were times when it was pointed out to me that I was a real pain to be around, and I am sure that these thoughts are still true of me from time to time. I was afraid. I am not afraid anymore. The world moves the way it moves and I am somewhere in it. The good that this life has for me will be evened out by the bad. I have to make sure that I can feel the happiness in every moment even when it seems impossible to find.

My son goes to a Memphis City School

One thing that had really scared me about officially moving to Memphis was the prospect of my child being enrolled in a school that is a part of such a renowned school system. I get a little miffed at those who just blindly offer that the Memphis City School system isn’t “that bad” because it is that bad. Education is a joke to Memphis City if you are only looking at it from what comes across the news. School performance scores are not the indicator. More often than not, it is public opinion that either damns or lauds a school.

It may sound like I am trying to talk out of both sides of my mouth, but the truth is, Nathan is at one of the little exceptions to the general attitude of Memphis City Schools. When I tell people that my son goes to Snowden, I am met with a nod of approval. People get a knowing gleam and they holster their slurs in favor of a smile and appreciation. Is Snowden perfect? No, of course not, but in our short time here, we have had a lot of good experiences.

Nathan wanted to play football as soon as he knew there was the chance. Now, Nathan has never played, never really touched a ball, and only watched some games here and there. I was pretty convinced that he didn’t actually know the difference between offense and defense, between touchdowns and safetys, or rushing and passing. (These, I must tell you, are the limits of my own football knowledge…)

The first month or two of school, academics aside, was all about figuring it out. Luckily, I knew he would need cleats, but what about the pads? What about the equipment? What about the… you know… the thing… that thing? All I can say is that each day presented a new challenge and a new hurdle, and that was just me! Nathan, on the other hand, well, he reminded me every day that he is a good kid who I just never give credit to when I should.

He went to school every morning with his back pack and his bag of football clothes. He learned the combination for his lock, he kept up with his stuff, and he worked his butt off. I would pull up to practice and see my little guy out there. At first he was always the last one running, the last one picked, and the last one looking to be picked. He learned how to listen, how to run, how to hit, and how to take a hit. His clothes got loose, his bruises multiplied, and his attitude hardly ever faltered. He went to practice every day, somedays until 6 or 7, and everyday he went back for more.

He played just a few times, but during the last game of the season, Nathan got to play for about 28 minutes. He was on the field when his team scored, and he swears he will go back next year. This kid learned a lot, and I learned a lot about the kid. He broke my heart about a million times during the season. At every game I saw a kid who was happy to see me, but he just barely waved. He knew I was there, but he wanted to look cool in front of the guys. I know, I know, it’s what boys do. It still makes the mama’s heart hurt.

There is of course more to school that sports. Nathan jumped right into school work, and it wasn’t long until we started to see the differences between where we had been and where we were. Snowden had some pretty silly projects. I felt like I needed to buy poster board every week for some kind of map or poster project. Nathan was doing well, but he was working around learning how to be more responsible for his actions. There were some missed homework assignments, and a project that was due the day after a game that I thought might be the end of the easy run. But before too long we found a pattern, and it has been working well for a while now.

About 2 or 3 weeks into school, Nathan starts talking about a program called CLUE. This is the equivalent to a gifted program at most schools. Of course my child is smart, and of course he does well, but was he gifted? I expressed interest in finding out more, and that is when I learned more about the bureaucracy that is the Memphis City School System…

Long story short, Nathan got in! He had to take two tests, one of which was an IQ test, and I had to fill out a mountain of paper work, but it happened! The other day he came to my bedroom door as we were getting ready for school. He told me that he looked forward to going to school in a whole new way since he started CLUE. This of course made me very happy, but I suppose that is the next item on the list.

I moved to Memphis

So yeah, I moved the Memphis. Basically, and now I can't remember how, I heard about a meeting that was going to be at the school I wanted Nathan to go to. Always nervous about public schools and especially Memphis City Schools, I had begun researching schools as soon as I got the job at U of M. After I had ruled out private schools (for the obviou$ reason), I had decided White Station and Snowden were the schools for us.

It only took a casual glance at White Station to rule it out. The school is a giant! I was immediately afraid that my baby would get lost. Also, the cost of living in a neighborhood zoned for White Station was just way more than I could manage.

Upon close inspection, Snowden stood out as the school for us. So some day in January near the end of the fall semester, I ventured to Snowden for a meeting about the optional programs. Incidentally I went with Sage, a person who I have gotten closer and closer with over this past year.

The program sounded great, the administration seemed to have it together, and there was a certain charm to the school that I had not been expecting. It was also across the street from a coffee shop which I continue to think was a sign.

Another discovery made at this meeting was that I needed to get my butt into the zone where the school is located. I remember going home that night and feeling like I needed to move to Memphis the next day and get the paper work started so that Nathan would be able to go to that school.

Immediately I ransacked Craigslist for anything in the 38112 area. Thanks to the location of the school, I at least knew where to look, but I had no idea about some of the neighborhoods. I needed to go for a ride, and I needed to do it pretty soon.

The first trip to 38112 was done with my friend Laine. She and I canvassed the neighborhood while I looked for "For Rent" signs and she wrote down info. It was a good first day, but it also hinted that this was going to be a much more involved process than I had first hoped.

The next trip to 38112 was done with Sarah. This time my passenger still wrote, but Sarah started calling some of the numbers for me. Each answered call was met with a voice that quoted some huge monthly rental total that staggered me every time.

There were a few places where we had left messages, but it was a bleak prospect on a day pocked by so much disappointment. We went to a basketball game that night, and then we went to a bar to see a band. I was exhausted as I drove home, and I was starting to wonder if there was going to be hope...

On Sunday of that same weekend I got a phone call from one of the places where we had left a message. It was the place on Galloway. It was a duplex which had not really caught my eye, but it was just two doors down from Sage, the woman I had gone to the meeting with. She and I knew each other pretty well, and she had actually told me about the place for rent on her street a few days before I had started looking.

The voice on the other end of the phone told me price and rooms. The price was one of the lowest I had heard, but it was still 50 bucks out of my highest range. I asked him if it was possible he could come down just 50 dollars. He said he would talk to his wife about it, and we scheduled a time to come by and see it.

It was going to be a week... I had a week to imagine that it was going to be the worst place on the planet. I could afford this one, Nathan could go to the neighborhood school, and there was someone in the neighborhood that I knew. It was all just too good to be true, and worried. I worried a lot.

The day finally came. I arrived, knocked on the door, and walked into the place where I have now been living for almost a year. It wasn't perfect, but it was pretty close. It had hidden surprises like a huge laundry room and amazing water pressure. It had some duller moments like the carpet in the hallway. (He called it mauve, but you and I would call it pink.) I knew before I even got to the covered patio that this was going to be my Memphis address.

I moved in March! Nathan finished school in Jackson and spent the summer between Memphis and his dad's house in VA. These days I am quite moved in, Nathan walks to school everyday, and I am developing a real friendship with Sage.

I guess what I left out is how beautiful it is here. It is a historic neighborhood with beautiful old houses, mature trees, sidewalks, people walkng their dogs, poeple running, and kids playing. Some days when I pull onto my street, I just start to smile because I am so happy where I am. But that is another number than I will cover another time.

Psssst, I am still here

That's right, I am. Truthfully, I have still been blogging, but I decided to go somewhere else for a little while and be a little moodier than I ever really am over here. That is just how it goes sometimes.

It has been almost a year since my last entry, and of course there have been some pretty colossal changes in my life. Let me see if I can come up with the top 5:
1) I moved to Memphis
2) My son goes to a Memphis City School
3) I am happy
4) My mother and I are not speaking
5) I am accomplishing a lot of professional goals

So maybe (I am coming up with this as i type) I will use these top 5 as the subjects of future blogs? That sounds like a pretty good idea. The semester is pretty much over, so I am sure I will be looking for something to do!

It's time for me to do something else for a while. I just wanted you to know, little blog, I haven't forgotten you.