Look, I said I went away to a place where I could write moody blogs. This thing with my mom is what drove me there, and for some reason I really don’t want to go into every detail here. Sure, this on thing happened, and these words were spoken, and everything changed. However, I am happier than I have ever been, and I really think that part of my joy comes from releasing me from that relationship.
People have told me since all this happened that they knew my mom was mean and hard to handle and fake and all that. When people say that about a member of your family, you are supposed to get defensive and angry and rush to that family member’s aid. I don’t do that, I feel heard when people say that. I feel defended.
Things were sometimes good between us, I am the first to admit it. There were a lot of times that I felt really lucky to have a mom like mine. Ok, maybe a few times I felt that way. Alright, at least 5 times. The point is, in there somewhere there are some better moments than where we are now, but I am done. There isn’t anything I want to hear, there isn’t anything I feel like I need to say, and there isn’t enough time that will pass to make this better.
It’s the holidays, and I just want to make it through. The part of this that causes me the most strife is Nathan’s relationship with her. I don’t want to stand in the middle, and I don’t want to keep them apart. I make sure he gets time with all of his family because he loves them, and I won’t be the one tearing that love apart or challenging it. There is a tiny voice in my head that says , “You will figure it out someday.” But for now, I try to quiet that voice.
I know it is a vague rendering, and I am sorry if it seems superficial, but I really am done explaining it.
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