It's that part of the semester where it feels like a very long time since we started and a very long time until the end. I am at Republic right now, and the truth is, I am actually pretty caught up. I guess I need to face the music. I need to talk about what has happened. I need to do this for me.
Nathan has decided that he wants to stay in Virginia next year. I suspect he will be there until the end of high school.
He had kind of been on the fence about, and I really thought he would change his mind. When that didn't happen, he let me know in a way that only Nathan can. We were on the phone and he told me that he was thinking of taking Japanese. Now, I don't know much about what happens at Memphis high schools, but I think I would be a little more aware of the fact that Japanese is offered.
When I asked him if that was offered in Memphis, he hesitated and let me know that it wasn't. So in this very passive-aggressive way, he let me know that he was starting to think of Virginia as his future home. I'm not calling him passive-aggressive in a bad way, I'm just saying that's how he did it. That's why I thought maybe be was still on the fence, you know.
Sunday I talked with Bill, Nathan's dad, about the logistics of this plan. Basically, I am going to get Nathan for most of his summer, and then he will go to Virginia when football practice starts back in August.
And that's it.
Only is isn't.
I am so sad, and I can't seem to get myself to believe it. I can't decide if I even really believe that this is real. I really can't decide the reality that I am dealing with here. It's more than a human can understand. It's more than a person can comprehend.
For now, I am a working machine, and when I'm not working, I am willing myself not to think about it too deeply. I don't feel like I am avoiding the feeling. I feel like I am sure it will break me, and I am so busy right now. I know that I can't work if this breaks me the way I know it will if I try to deal with it right now.
For now, I am easily angered at nothing that is the actual source of my anger. I owe it to the people around me to offer some kind of explanation, but that would mean saying it out loud. I've only done that once, and it didn't end well. It ended in me looking like I had been a fight that I had definitely not won.
I can't win.
That's how this makes me feel. It makes me feel like my whole life is a mistake.
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