Contents under pressure

The truth lives here. I mean, that was the premise of why I decided to join the nation of bloggers. Initially, this was where I was supposed to go when I just couldn't hold on to the thoughts about life-changing cells. Then it was where I came when I wanted to moan about the ridiculousness of the job search. Recently, this has been the forum for endless teachery rants. Today, it is, once again, a truth forum where I have come in order to release a little of the darkness that has been taking me over.

Anyone who knows me, has seen that I often have a revolving nature. Never one to be really violent or extremely angry, my moods go from unrealistic joy to a kind of sadness that consumes. Last year, in the middle of one of those consuming times, I backed away from the world and did my best to go from day to day with no real goal. It was only when I thought that I might be surviving the winter that I finally forced myself back into the world, even though I never have gotten back to where I had once been.

When the Memphis job happened, you know what happened. I was back on the land of sunshine and bubbles, and that is basically where I have been for a while. A sunny feeling has taken me over, and I haven't really known how to react to it. Happy is just something that I don't do very well in large doses. Sure, I laugh, I think I am funny, and people generally laugh more with me than at me, but I definitely feel more at home in a gloom than in the sun. It is depressing to admit these things, but I promised the truth here, and that is what I am delivering.

As this job has become more routine than life-fulfilling destiny, I have begun to suffer the harsh sting of emotional investments that just don't pay off. Putting everything I am into my classes has proven to be the straw. I am the camel with the broken back.

Much like last year when I went into a dark place alone, I feel myself looking for the hide-out again. Not sleeping, not talking to friends, not thinking about much more than my obligations to my students, and walking roads best left unexplored have put me here. I don't want another time like last year. I don't want to be sad, and I don't want to be so... so... alone and lost. I feel like a child, and I don't want to feel like a child.

A few nights ago, something in me snapped. I remember laughing at a song and then I remember being panicked at how late it was. I felt myself looking for something, but I wasn't home, and I am not sure what I was looking for, and I just wanted to lay my head down and think about where this thing was. I must have made an ass of myself because I left my friend's house and he hasn't talked to me since. I have no idea how I got home, and that is scary because home was so far away. The next morning I woke up, and for longer than is usual, I really thought it had all been a dream. Slowly, it came back to me. I had driven myself home from Memphis. I had held my head because I had been afraid of something. Walking down a sidewalk came back to me, walking to a door, needing my water bottle, I had the lid, why did I have the lid?

It's all here now. That night and the little I can bring back about it. Everything was fine, and then I panicked about the time, and that was when it happened. My little step away from reality is all I can think about. Why did it happen, and what am I supposed to do about it? Do I talk to my mother? Do I talk to a shrink? Do I close my eyes and wish it away? Do I recognize that I am a grown up and I have to take care of what I can take care of admit when it is out of my hands?

Yesterday, I called my insurance folks, and I am waiting on a call back from them. She said something about 7 to 10 days, but I am sure I will call back before that can happen. My friend won't talk to me, so I am leaving that one alone for now. I won't tell my mom, mostly because things like this tend to worry her at first and then just annoy her. I talked to my friend about it last night. It took me the whole ride from Memphis to Jackson to feel like I was coming back to the surface. The tears are at the corners of my eyes as I think about friendship and love and all the ways both are shown.

Limbo, I guess, until I can take another step. I don't want to go back to the dark place, even though it was so nice. I can't sink lower. I have good friends, a family, and a life that I have always wanted. There isn't any reason why I should feel so sad. But I do feel sad. I have to find out why that is. I am the only one who can ask that question.

I can still laugh, I can still smile, and I can still do what needs to be done. Right now, according to my friend, I need to just be careful and take care of my mental self. Ok. I guess I will, as soon as I figure out how to do that.

Twice today, I have felt myself push feelings back. I knew I was doing it, and then my head hurt, and then I felt the tears form. I have been doing a lot of throat clearing and head shaking, but I am almost to the weekend. I have a meeting in Memphis on Friday, and then I can finally rest some this weekend. I hate feeling so fragile, but that is how I feel. Fragile when I have never thought of myself as that. Fragile people need someone to take care of them. No one has ever taken care of me, and there is no one to take care of me now. I have the friends who will stick by me, and I have the friends who I hope will see me through this.