My so-called post-modern life

Without a center or a real focus, I am walking in a direction I really don't understand. Do you ever feel like you are a part of something bigger? Something apart from yourself? Try as you might, you just can't see where you fit in the plan.

It sounds like I am looking for redemption, a purpose, a place to put my feet. Maybe that is true. With all of the scenarios and questions lately, I have begun to feel like my life is not my own. Maybe I am feeling my life for the first time, and this is what it feels like. Who knows?

"It's just where I am" seems to be the default response. I am in a state of being, but it is a being that changes. It isn't enough of a change to be movement, but isn't static from day to day, minute to minute, even the seconds lack similarity.

The pushing, the shoving, the warring within all leaves me exhausted. What am I fighting? What realization am I forcing myself to deny? To remain blind to? That certainly is how I feel in this moment of calm questioning.

Calm. I will look for it, but I will not be as frantic as I feel. I will slow down. I will continue to look for answers, but I will also wait and see if they come to me when I am silent and ready. I am not waiting on the cosmic fortune cookie, but I am waiting for the ghosts of old souls to whisper their secrets to my willing ear.