Mommy Dearest

Today my mother said she was tired of the way I am always a burden to her. I'm not looking for pity. I don't even want you to hate her. I will get over it and we will go back to our corners.

After I told her I didn't get the job I interviewed for last week, she kind of got angry and said she would have to work until she was 90 because I couldn't get my act together. She's right about how much I need her. It's pathetic for a so-called grown-up to rely on her mother so much.

And I don't have to feel good. There is nothing that says I am supposed to be happy. I'm trying and the I feel like I am doing the best I can. I will work harder. She is the parent I have, and we have been through worse.

There isn't a lot of love between us. These days it feels more like obligation. When she is old and my brothers are too busy, I know I will be the one that takes care of her. I won't see it as a burden.

I don't ever count my mother among my blessings, and I feel like maybe I should have, and that maybe if I had this wouldn't be as bad as it is. I really do think that if I am not grateful for something that it will be taken away. It isn't healthy to say that this is my fault, but is it self-righteous to think that I have no faults in this?

A lot of this is cryptic, and someday when I can say what it is that I learned this week, well, then it might make more sense. For now I feel like a darkness has come over me. I cannot wait for the day when I can look back on this time in my life and be astounded about how I came through it all.

For now, I will make at least one step forward everyday. Baby-steps or giant leaps, as long as I am moving forward, I will be getting out of this.