Some honesty

Last night I was sitting in a meeting adn the topic had mostly to do with fear. It's a catch-22 when it all comes down to it. I have to have faith in having faith, but when I do that I can turn my fear over to God and I don't have to be afraid anymore. I'm struggling. I believe in God so that isn't where I am stuck, as far as I know. I just can't seem to pray to Him to take awy my fear. Somewhere in my head I am making this thing the onlt thing that I have and if I give it away then don't have anything anymore. Ownership of fear seems like a silly thing to want to have, but there it is.

I want my fear like oxygen and a warm blanket. Only it isn't a warm blanket. It's sticky and uncomfortable and suffocating and ridiculous to want.

My stomach hurts, my head hurts, I don't feel like I know what I am doing, and where ever I go I am always sure that it isn't the right place. I have also decided that there isn't anything in the world that will ever get my mind off this enough to make me forget that this is actually happening.