Parenting 101

Last night was one of those parenting moments I knew would happen, but I was not prepared for it all the same. Nathan was fine, he was talking about dinosaurs and kid stuff when he suddenly got that look on his face. It's the look that suggests he is about to cry. He did cry. Nathan hardly ever gets weepy.

He started talking about how he misses his dad, how kids pick on him at school, and how he wishes we could move to Georgia. I didn't know what to do. I still don't know what to do. I asked him if he wanted to call his father, which he did, and I let him walk away to have a more private talk with his dad.

Bill, Nathan's father, isn't a bad guy. We weren't ready to be parents, we weren't ready to live together, and we knew we weren't going to be in the parenting boat together. After Nathan wrapped it up with him, I took the phone just to catch Bill up on what happened before the call. Bill said he wuold try to get to Tennessee the next time there is a government holiday. I hope he does.

At this point I am so willing to swallow my bad feelings and general discontent just to see Nathan know that his dad loves him and that he would be here if he could. I wish we could find a way for them to spend more time together.

It is so hard to be an adult and a parent and a person who does the right thing. It's even harder when there are so many versions of the right thing. I am going to offer the phone to Nathan more often. Maybe if Bill and Nathan talked more, they might have a stronger bond. Maybe Bill would try a little harder to get up here to see his son. That isn't supposed to sound as snarky as it does. Bill was always an out of sight out of mind kind of person.

Nathan is getting older. His feelings are maturing, and I am in danger of losing him to the black hole of adolescence. I don't want my baby to grow up. I don't want to grow up, either.

Life things

Son is great, students are fine, job is good, friends are wonderful, love-life is what it is, I am still who I am. Here are some pics of recent events of fun-ness.

Kids these days

My students are writing about the current political waters, and I am so thrilled to see such an amount of genuine interest. They actually wanted to go to Oxford and attend the debate, going so far as to suggest a class field trip. I know, they just wanted to get out of class to go. This class meets on Tuesday and Thursday, so I think they still wanted to come to their favorite writing class and, yes, their favorite writing teacher. Ha! Narcissism wins again!

Another big test is coming

I should also just go ahead and say that I am preparing for my written comps. I keep hearing that I shouldn't worry about this process, but you know me. I am a worrier about all things academic. Today, I emailed the profs about getting the syllabi I need in order to complete the necessary paperwork. The fretting has begun.

If you see me with a book in my hand, talk to me. I am sure I will welcome the distraction. If I wanted to actually get this done, I am sure I would just work in a quiet place where I can actually get work done. You know what I mean?

Dork squared

I am just going to go ahead and say that what will appear below may in fact resemble a pre-teen's diary. You have been warned.

Hehehehehe. yup. I totally just did that. Thanks to Liz and her "will to power" I am pretty much ridiculous about this guy. He does what he says he is going to do, he has his own ways to let me know he cares, and he totally puts up with all my crap. He is a good daddy to his son, not freaked about dating a girl with a kid, and he is ok with dating a girl with cancer. It wasn't until recetnly that I realized just how tall an order I was expecting from another person. It's amazing that he wants to put up with me the way he does.

It takes a very special person to deal with the ridiculousness that I bring with me. It's not just that I have a lot on my plate, it's more that I have some pretty special ways of dealing with my life. Anyone who doesn't run for the hills when I talk about a pie-chart of thoughts for the day and the percentage of which are occupied with thoughts about him is soooooo worth keeping around for a little while, you know? Eh, you probably don't, but that is ok, too.

I am learning about how dealing with different can be the best thing that has ever happened to me. Now, if I could just slow down and enjoy this ride, I think I might just see that life is shadows and light. Life is what happens when the colors bleed together, run outside the lines, and get murky in the paintbrush water.

I need a dictionary

I introduced independent and dependent clauses today, and I am hyper-aware of my comma and coordinating conjunction use. I am also a little giddy at the use of so many yummy grammar words. I got to say "conjunctive adverb" today, and it got me a little excted!

This weekend threatens to be fantastic. Liz, Dusty, Brian, and I are all going camping. Don't ask me about Brian. I will only tell you things that might not be true after the trip. I can only say that I am starting to see that I might actually deserve to be with someone wonderful and that he shows all the signs that he might possibly be wonderful. He is also showing signs that he moght not be wonderful which is why I am cautiously optimistic.

That was a lot of info after I just said I wasn't going to say anything about him. I am so inconsistent... Can a person always be inconsistent? Is that an oxymoron? Oh shit, now I am an oxymoron? Damnit.

Insignificant and Trashy

This weekend was a roller coaster. It has me thinking in song lyrics. That Rolling Stones song about how you can't always get what you want kind of fades in and out of my head. There is another one that keeps sounding. The lyrics aren't that great, but the idea is pretty solid. The song is about how no one wants to feel insignificant. I guess that is how I have felt this weekend, more than once and in different situations.

My mother is always telling me that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. I got to tell you, I never know what she mean by that, but I promise not to wallow in this for very long.

While on an errand for my aunt, the people that loved my grandmother started and just about finished her memorial service without me. Words don't get there, you know, in that place where all the sad is. I had been holding on for so long, ready to release that grief when I would feel her ashes slip from my hand. Only I didn't get to do that. I felt so small and overlooked. I know, I know, I am a baby and I need to just suck it up. I promise I will.

Why doesn't everyone speak the same language? Why is it so hard to understand what women want and what men mean? I just want to be looked at and longed for and understood. I know, it's a tall order, and I am evaluating my expectations. Keep you posted.

On a happier note!!! This weekend's party was fantastic!

If you are speechless, I totally get it. Liz's White Trash Bash was the most wonderful fix for anyone wanting fun and hotness coupled with Twister and Sangria. That was an insanely awesome throw-down that puts some serious pressure on the up-coming Halloween and Christmas shin-digs.

In other news, The Jackson Sun announces that Halloween is now it's own season. Stay tuned. I am sure that Groundhog Day will be the next deserving holiday to earn it's own season status.

The results are in...

There was a time, not so long ago, when I looked at the title of this blog and thought it funny that I really wasn't talking about the cancer thing all that much. I guess I got into a safe place and stopped letting it run my life. I will be looking for that place again it seems.

Today I learned that the cancer wasn't completely removed and that I am back to square one but on a much more mangled square. I am having another colposcopy on the 13th of October and then another "procedure" at some point in the future.

How do I feel? Deflated. Bored with this. Done. Really pissed off. Futile. Stuck in a rut.

I have good friends and a better outlook than I did the first time around. I have a better idea of what to expect and the questions to ask. This is not the end. Oh no. It is the beginning again.

Going back again...

I am going back to the doctor today to talk about the stuff they cut out of me a few weeks ago. Why am I still freaking out about this? I guess it's just the part of me that is always waiting for the storm clouds at the end of a perfect day.

Think of me today. Thanks.

The Secret Sharer

After a long and searching talk with Liz and her Bunny, I am feeling a little vulnerable. Seems like when the skin is thin and the self is visible that all the things I fear are as close as I imagine them. Most days I feel certain that the mask will slip and the world will see me for the fraud that I am. Will I ever be smart enough? pretty enough? connected enough? loved enough? Yes and no are answers that seem equally likely.

It just isn't ever enough, whatever it is, to make me feel whole. It's a ridiculous search when I don't even know what I am looking for so intently. Am I even looking for anything? I have so much, have survived so much, endured so much. Who am I to want anymore than what I already have?

I want to be the kind of person who doesn't feel undeserving. That was a pretty backwards way of saying that I want to feel like I deserve to be happy. For the longest I have tried to convince myself that happiness is an illusion created by politicians and greeting card companies. Is it possible that there is some joy at the spaces between suffering?

Jibber-Jabber

Does anyone know anything about this Berg lawsuit thing? I am under the impression that this guy is a whack-job, but is there any truth to what he accusing? Let me know, ok?

Hehe, this weekend was awesome. I am reduced to junior high lunch whispering and blushing when I think about how awesome this weekend was. I am goof. I am stutter. I am under the table and laughing at me.

There is also this increasingly ridiculous 90s play list that keeps sounding in my head. I feel like listening to all the CDs that survived high school, but then I remember that I was a real musical chameleon in the mid-90s. Oh yes, if you lost your Ace of Bass CD, do not fear, I have mine.

I am feeling like the Queen of the Dorks. Actually, no. I feel like the dork who sits at the end of the table in the Queen's house. I should sleep. The head is mush and the words make no sense.

Before it begins...

The weekend is almost here. I am crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. For the first time in a long time I have these things to anticipate. Ever the chicken little, I know that the sky will fall and my hopes will be dashed upon the rocks of disappointment that litter the shore of my experiences. Ugh... I am just going to look forward to the weekend with as little expectation as I can possibly have.

Wish me luck.

While the chicken bakes...

Just a few things...

This weekend RAWKED! For a girl who doesn't drink, I spent lots of time in bars this weekend. I just needed to put that out there. I had a t double e double r double i double f double i double c c c time with Liz and Dusty and Alison and Brian and the other couples. Watching what people do from my sober perch really isn't as austere as it sounds. I think I have more fun than anyone. Someday I will sell my secrets.

LOL at McCain's VP's real-life. I don't think anyone saw that one coming, least of all the lawyers that spent "hours" interviewing Miss Sarah.

I am ridiculously happy right now. Remember when I was sad? Well, I am not sad. Taught this morning, worked in the Writing Center this afternoon, picked up Nathan, and now I am about to get dinner from the oven. Oh yeah, and I am not dying from cancer.

Sarah came to town this weekend. I am happy she is doing well and thrilled she had time to come say hello. As soon as I can, I am going to bring a little terror to Nashville.

Buzzer!