Fingers crossed!

Oh, there's a lot going on, and I am not really sure where to start.

At the beginning, you say? Well, alright.

The other morning, around 7:00 am, I got a facebook message from a former grad school classmate. She has been working at a CC for a year, and last year I had given her some tips about how to get the job. They needed someone for developmental English, and she hadn't taught it, but I had.

In the message she tells me that her school is getting ready to hire another English instructor, and she thinks that I will be a very good fit for the job.

I got excited. I want a more secure job, I don't want to move, I want to teach what I have been teaching, and I want to make more money. This job is all of those things.

Today is Thursday. The call came on Monday. Since Monday, I have been trying to get the application package ready while also trying to keep up with grading and end of the semester stuff.

In the end, I have been able to put together a cover letter, three letters of recommendation, list of references, samples of student work, a CV, an application, and a teaching philosophy. That's a lot of stuff!

Yesterday, I mailed it all off, and now I wait.

Grace, my grad school friend, is doing her best to talk me up and get people interested in looking at my application. She has been keeping me up to date about her conversations and what I need to expect. If i do get the interview, she even has plans to coach me for the interview.

All of this is too good to be true, so of course I have convinced myself that it will not happen.

There is a mountain of work for me to grade today, so I need to get started on that. I hope I can wade through it and stay focused.

A room with(out) a view

Maybe I revealed this secret in my past post, but I am caught up with grading. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't have grading to do. It just means that what I have isn't late getting back to students, and that I don't currently have any work that needs to get back in an unreasonable amount of time.

That does not mean that I am not busy.

It means that every time I sit to grade, I am working on a very big pile of work that I consider in the order in which it needs to be done.

This week I find myself uneasy admitting to others that I am not under some huge pile of work.

It sounds like some sort of backdoor brag, but it isn't. It's nothing to brag about, but damn if the looks teachers give me doesn't shut me the hell up.

A co-worker told me this week that people are afraid of the hard workers, and that I will actually be asked to do less if I am the kind of person who gets work done. While it sounds NUTS, I actually do understand what she meant.

The world seems to expect that every task will be completed with things still left undone. Complete no longer means the whole thing is done; it just means that you have come to a point where you have stopped working on it.

I'm gonna call bullshit on the world if that really is the case.

Is there a place where I can go where the fact that I am a job-completer will actually see me happier because I can finish instead of hiding and pretending that is now who I am?

Recently, I saw an ad for a job. The museum is hiring what are essentially fund-raising tour guides. They need someone with a BA and good communication skills as well as an interest in Art. For longer than I should have, i pondered that maybe this was the career change I had been waiting for.

How would that look on my CV? "10 years teaching post-secondary education, now employed as museum tour-guide." Would that raise some eyebrows?

Personally, I think that is the story worth telling at this point in my life.

There is just under a week of classes left and then a few days of exams. My desk is not bending under the weight of ungraded work, but my eyes are starting to look out the window and wonder.

Wait, my office doesn't have a window.

Back to work.

In a minute there is time

A week from tomorrow is the last day of classes. Exams start a week from Friday. Is that right? That doesn't seem right...

The good news is that I am not behind. I am actually pretty caught up, and this gives me great joy. I have a small and doable stack of papers that I need to grade by Monday. I actually think I can sit down and get them all done in one felt swoop. That's the thing about April. Momentum is established!

The weekend was good. We went to see a comic on Saturday night, and it was nice to sit in a room full of strangers and laugh. Laughing is good. Always? Yes, probably.

Easter came and went with barely a flicker on my radar. I went to the grocery store on Sunday and really liked seeing the little kids in their Easter outfits. It was fun to tell them that I liked their clothes. I hope I wasn't creepy.

Is that all??

I really feel like I am leaving something out...

I guess that's it. I have been working a lot, trying to feel all of my feelings, and just plugging along to the bitter end.

Classes are how they tend to be at this point in the semester. Frustration is building amongst the students. I like to think that it is frustration stemming from their realization that they have waited too late to start trying, but I suspect some of that is directed at me Misdirected, mind you, but that it what it feels like every year.

I am looking forward to the end, and I am looking forward to having a bit of time to not think about the hustle. I am looking forward to starting a days-long project and not a project that can only be completed in the tiny time I have available. You know?

Smiling through the pain

Last week I was worried about a Lit class. I am happy to report that I think it went well this week. I planned a good lesson, taught as well as I can, and now it is in their hands. It's so disappointing when smart kids don't challenge themselves and when not so smart kids don't try to excel beyond that boundary. Time is on their side for one more week. I hope I end up with a lot of them coming to talk to me about their papers.

Last weekend was a very busy one. Judith Butler on Thursday was excellent and the operas were great as well. We enjoyed the crawfish festival. On Saturday night we decided to go to a movie, and there were these awful people in the crowd. I'm not sure why, but it totally rubbed me the wrong way. I ended up taking it out on Greg, and that's when the lid came off.

The lid with him? Meh. Not really I ended up breaking down and sobbing the kind of sobs that leave the body tired the next day. I think I am finally trying to deal with the thoughts and feelings associated with Nathan's not coming back.

What has happened since that Sunday has been a little hard to deal with. I just wanted to go to bed. Really, until Tuesday, I couldn't shake the sadness. I actually spent most of Tuesday in bed. Greg was not helpful, but I guess I need to stop thinking that he is going to come rushing to my aide every time I get sad? I don't know. One mountain at a time.

I am nowhere near where I need to be as far as mental health is concerned, but I do feel a little better that I was finally a little honest about how I feel. Will I tell you here? Nope. I'm just not ready to see it in writing. That's as honest as I can be and as open as I can be as well. It's baby-stepping for sure, but there you go.

There are about 2 weeks of classes left until exams. And I am counting them down. Everyday I wake up and remind myself that the end is near. I am ready for it, too.

Yesterday, a co-worker and I made plans to rent a cabin at a local state park. The reservation is made, and we are really looking forward to it. Leslie and Barry will share a space with Greg and me for 2 nights. I think it will be fun, and I am looking forward to building a closer friendship. Pics to come!

I am also planning a surprise birthday party for two other co-workers. Tammy and Cathy both have birthdays that are a day apart. This is a pretty good excuse to get the house in shape! I hung the pretty lights last night in anticipation of having guests (in a month...).

Today will see me grading the things that should have been graded in Tuesday. I am in danger of getting behind, so I am trying to get back to where I need to be before the weekend hits. What will i do this weekend? Well, I will be grading of course!

2 more weeks... 2 more weeks.... 2 more weeks...

Planting seeds

Today I am sitting on the back porch after doing some housework. Tonight Greg and I are going to Rhodes to hear Judith Butler speak about Zionism. I read her a lot when I was in grad school, so I am looking forward to hearing what she has to say. I am curious about whether any of it will come rushing back to me.

I had a really tough Lit class yesterday, and I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I am going to fix what happened.

I teach three classes, and my third class always goes so badly, and yesterday was pretty awful. The short story is that they don't really have the ability to answer questions literally, and when I told them their answers were wrong, they did not like it.

It would be very easy to say they are not used to being told they are wrong and address that, but that isn't helpful and it really isn't their fault. I need to find the right gear and move forward.

I sort of have an idea, but if I can't do it in one day, then I am not going to do it. Basically, I am going to try to write the paper based on the readings from before the break. They can't use them, and I think they will understand what they need to do if they see it in practice.

Anyway, that's where my thoughts are for now. I hope that next week I can work on it, but for now, I am going to try to come up with a plan that I think will work.

Perspective

To deal with the separation anxiety I seem to have developed, I decided to send Nathan an Easter gift. I loaded up a box with things that he and I have specific Easter memories of. Only after I had written the note and shipped it to Virginia did it occur to me... we won't be adding to those memories. I feel like I am trying to tie him to me by getting him to think about the past that we have. That maybe it will somehow replace the present that we no longer have. The future that's so uncertain.

It's possible that the progress I thought I was making is sliding back a bit. Awareness of how I feel is all I am trying to have.

Today I am attacking grading and yard. I planted a hydrangea. I am really hoping that it does not die.

Later today, Greg and I are going to get another plant stand because I bought too many herbs for the stand that we have. I appreciate that he wants to go with me to get the stand, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he doesn't really care one way or the other.

I think we only have about 4 weeks of classes left. It doesn't matter what is left. It feels like the beginning of the end, but even I know that this really is the hardest part no matter how short or long it feels.

There will be a day very soon when I will feel better. For now, that's the faith I have. I know that for every good thing there is a bad thing, and that balance is all about perspective. I need a better look at the world in order to improve my perspective.

That's my plan today. Try to look at it all instead of only what's right in front of my face.

A Change in the Weather

I'm doing ok, you know? Everyday is a little move into a direction that I am at least getting used to. I know that doesn't sound like much, but it feels like it's a little lighter than it was last week. I'll count it.

This past week has found me trying to focus on work and the yard in order to find an outlet for the grief. The yard is shaping up, and the work is abated (for now).

I have planted, potted, and dug as much as a sane person should and just a little more to count it as insane. So far, the yard is starting to show signs of the work. It feels good to sit outside (right now, actually) and see what I have done with my hands.

As far as work goes, it's kind of the same thing. I can see what I have done, and I do think it feels pretty good to at least know that I think I am doing a good job.

Last week I was feeling really overwhelmed and a little concerned about what my students think about me. Truth is, I think they all hate me. I think they do. Really.

What it actually is, just so I don't come off as a totally paranoid person, is a student or two in each class that clearly don't want to be there and they have no problem letting their faces communicate that to me.

So there's that.

Clearly, I am overly sensitive at the moment, and I am just hoping that with time I will go back to being my tougher self.

It's important that I can see the good that I do and not get lost in the things that don't always work.

I think it is going to rain tomorrow and be a little cooler after that. For now, I am going to enjoy the weather. It changes and so will I.

The truth I can't hide

It's that part of the semester where it feels like a very long time since we started and a very long time until the end. I am at Republic right now, and the truth is, I am actually pretty caught up. I guess I need to face the music. I need to talk about what has happened. I need to do this for me.

Nathan has decided that he wants to stay in Virginia next year. I suspect he will be there until the end of high school.

He had kind of been on the fence about, and I really thought he would change his mind. When that didn't happen, he let me know in a way that only Nathan can. We were on the phone and he told me that he was thinking of taking Japanese. Now, I don't know much about what happens at Memphis high schools, but I think I would be a little more aware of the fact that Japanese is offered.

When I asked him if that was offered in Memphis, he hesitated and let me know that it wasn't. So in this very passive-aggressive way, he let me know that he was starting to think of Virginia as his future home. I'm not calling him passive-aggressive in a bad way, I'm just saying that's how he did it. That's why I thought maybe be was still on the fence, you know.

Sunday I talked with Bill, Nathan's dad, about the logistics of this plan. Basically, I am going to get Nathan for most of his summer, and then he will go to Virginia when football practice starts back in August.

And that's it.

Only is isn't.

I am so sad, and I can't seem to get myself to believe it. I can't decide if I even really believe that this is real. I really can't decide the reality that I am dealing with here. It's more than a human can understand. It's more than a person can comprehend.

For now, I am a working machine, and when I'm not working, I am willing myself not to think about it too deeply. I don't feel like I am avoiding the feeling. I feel like I am sure it will break me, and I am so busy right now. I know that I can't work if this breaks me the way I know it will if I try to deal with it right now.

For now, I am easily angered at nothing that is the actual source of my anger. I owe it to the people around me to offer some kind of explanation, but that would mean saying it out loud. I've only done that once, and it didn't end well. It ended in me looking like I had been a fight that I had definitely not won.

I can't win.

That's how this makes me feel. It makes me feel like my whole life is a mistake.

7 hours for a sandwich (totally worth it)

Let's see... I should start where I left off and work my way up to now. Sorry it's been so long. I have been busy (as you are about to see).

The trip to Natchitoches, LA was great! We left with plenty of time to enjoy the ride. It got a little tedious toward the end, but once we got there it was great.

Oh, we stopped along the way to have a break and some lunch. We ended up stopping in this place called Ruston, LA. I thought it was cool because apparently that is where the guys from Elephant 6 got their start, but there's more! It turns out that this little town is actually where my best friend was born!

Along the way, Greg would look up the towns that we were approaching and he would tell us all about the history of the place. He would also look up whether anyone famous was from there. It made for a very educational trip!

Finally arriving in Natchitoches, we checked in to the hotel and relaxed for a bit before heading to the downtown area to see what was there. Truthfully, it was a lot smaller than I remembered it, but it was still very pretty. We had hoped to have a cup of coffee and enjoy a relaxing moment before dinner, but as it turns out, very few places were open past 6:00. Hmph.

Dinner was excellent. We ate alligator and craw fish and fish covered in sauce. At the end of dinner we treated ourselves to some bread pudding. It was all very nice, and we ended up driving around a bit to see the town.

The next day, we finally got to have that coffee! We had a pretty view of the river that snakes around the downtown area, and then we headed to the Craw Fish Hole for an early lunch.

YUMMMMMMMM!!!! It was the greatest craw fish po-boy of all time.

After lunch, we headed to the Oakland Plantation. It really was beautiful. We went on a guided tour, and Greg and I both were a little surprised at how little they talked about slavery. Seriously, it was weird.

The plan was to eat meat pies for dinner before hitting the road, but the place we wanted to go to was only open for lunch. That was a little disappointing, but we ended up finding them at another restaurant, and they were pretty good.

Homeward through Shreveport, we stopped to pick up a gift for AMy who was watching the animals for us. We got her some Louisiana beer, and then we ended up in a traffic jam. Oh well.

It was a good trip, and it was just what I needed to be able to say that I had taken a break during Spring Break.

Sadly, Thursday and Friday saw me back in front of a pile of papers which is where I have been since. I was able to hand back lots of graded stuff on Monday, and I will be handing back more graded stuff on Wednesday. I keep reminding myself that this is a rare load of work, and if I can just get through what I have, I won't have this coming in again for at least 7 more weeks!

The one highlight over the break that I did not expect was a surprise trip from Sarah and Brian. They came into town for a late dinner, and they ended up crashing with us before they left very early in the morning. I was so happy to see them, and I hope they can come back soon.

Today, I am already at it. I worked on JSCC stuff for a bit of the morning. Now I am going to start prepping for the rest of what I am teaching this week. I am really happy to be covering Lit I really like, but it is also Lit that I need to teach a little bit harder just because it is very dense.

Drop date is Friday, and I have already lost one that I was pretty sure wasn't going to pass. There are a few more that I hope will try it again next semester. Our goal is to encourage retention, but there is very little I can do for a student who hasn't turned in work all semester. It's tough to see them making mistakes that they don't understand yet, but I also think that if they can learn the lesson, then it ends up being a lesson they don't forget. That's how it had to work for me. I hope it works for them.

Sticking to a Plan

Taking a quick minute to jot a post before we leave for a little road trip. Today we are heading to Natchitoches, LA to see a few things, spend the night, and eat a lot of good food along the way. More about that upon the return!

Yesterday was incredibly successful. Greg and I made plans, and we did everything we set out to do!

We got up and hit the backyard. We bagged 16 or so bags of leaves and cleaned it up good! It was a really tough job, but I am very happy with what we were able to do. I would like to plant some stuff back there and maybe spread a little grass seed. I also have some plans to hang some lights and make it pretty. I am excited about what it possible, and I think we can get it all done without too much trouble. Getting that done yesterday was a big first step.

After I took a shower, I walked down to the nail salon and treated myself to a manicure. I felt I deserved it after all that work! Now my hands look pretty and not like I spent half the morning working in the yard.

Once I got back to the house, Greg and I headed to the coffee shop for about an hour and a half of grading. I was able to get through a little more than half a class. That isn't a lot, but that is about as much as I wanted to get done. I was so happy that we both did what we needed to do even after the day we had so far.

Last night I was able to put together a nice dinner, and then we sat down and watched an episode of Game of Thrones while we waited for our laundry to finish. Yesterday a cord we ordered came in, and it does what it is supposed to do! We can now watch the shows from out iPads on our TV. It seems small, but it is actually pretty cool.

Amy came over for her shot last night, and we walked her through what she is going to do for us with taking care of the pets. I am glad she is taking care of them, and I think she is going to stay and hang out with them and watch TV.

I just heard the shower shut off, so Greg will be ready shortly. I need to feed to pets and start packing up the car. I hope this trip is fun. I am really looking forward to taking a little road trip. It's been just long enough to have forgotten how boring they can be. Here we go!

No-Work Saturday

Tonight we are having a couple of friends over to play board games. This is one of those things that I have really started to enjoy. It is fairly inexpensive, social, and helps me feel like I have some kind of life! It's the little things, right?

Yesterday Greg and I decided to buy a museum membership with the movie passes. I am so excited! I have really enjoyed going, and now we can go all the time! We are actually heading over there for a movie this afternoon, so I am pretty sure we are going to make this a much more active habit.

Oh, did I mention that it is officially Spring Break? Of course I woke up at 7:00 am, but who cares? I am showered and ready to go to the store for some snacks for later.

I just finished making a play list of the theme songs from the shows that Greg and I watch together. I am going to surprise him with it on the road trip. I actually mentioned that he might do something like that, but I am pretty sure he already forgot.

I am trying to make a new friend at work. His name is Will Duffy and his wife's name is Vickie (sp?). They just moved here last semester, and Will is going to do a lecture at the request of the Lower Division Committee of which I am a member. He came to my office this week to talk about the plan for the talk, and he ended up being such a cool guy! He seems really interested in Memphis, and he and his wife are interested in learning more. They just might be a good fit for us, and I am already trying to think of ways to befriend him. I wish I could invite them to game night.

Alright, I think Greg is almost done getting ready, and I think that means we will be heading to the store soon. I think today is going to be great!

Good times

It's the Friday before Spring Break! I feel like I am approaching a marathon finish line!

This week I have been meeting with many of my Lit students as they work on their papers, and it has been a very mixed bag.

Some students are so surprisingly interested in doing well and in understanding what they need to understand about the material. Those have made the last few days fun and worthwhile. Of course there have been some that have really disappointed me. One girl is just so out of control, and she thinks she is very smart. I think she is! But I don't think she as smart as she thinks she is. I wish she would listen, but she insists on being right. Clearly, I see myself there. I wish she would just listen. She's making things harder than they need to be.

Last night Greg and I went to a documentary at the museum across the street. It was called "A Spoken Dish" and it was a blast! Tickets were $15 a piece, and I just thought we were paying for the movie. Instead, we arrived and discovered that several local (very nice!) restaurants had brought snacks and beer. Greg gunned a beer so we could get a good seat for the movie. We ate boudin, greens, barbecue spaghetti, catfish, and vegan cornbread. It was such a treat! The documentary was a 45 min collection of people talking about food traditions. It was a lot of fun!

The night before that we went to the movie theater down the street at watched a documentary about Rwandan film-making. The film followed Rwandans who are trying to make movies in Rwanda. The movie is called "Finding Hillywood." It was really sad to see so many lives affected by the genocide, but I did appreciate being able to see signs of growth and renewal 20 years later. After the movie one of the producers was present for a Q and A which was very enjoyable.

I really like living here, and I am glad that we have had the chances to do things like this.

Greg is going to start teaching another class at Southwest. He and I understand that this means a very big tax on his time, and I hope he is able to manage it. In the end he and I both agree that it is for a very limited time. It was nice that he wanted to talk to me about it and wanted my input on his decision. Ultimately, I couldn't ever make a real decision. I'm sure it will be difficult, but he and I both know that it is just for now. We just have to keep that in mind.

Ursula and Murphy work together to destroy things. She will push things from high surfaces, and Murphy will cart them away for chewing. So far I have seen them do it just once, but from the variety of chewed things I have found, I know this is part of a large-scale operation. Those animals.

There is a rough change coming, and I want to wait until I have my thoughts together to talk about it. I'm facing a very difficult realization, and I am not sure how I feel or what I want to say. I think I am going to save that for a long, coffee-induced, Spring Break post.

Alright, time to focus on the positive! Last day of school for the next week! Huzzah!

Wins for everyone!

The past few days have been a blur!

Last night we went to a show and sae a couple of great female performers! Valerie June was the main draw for me, and the headliner, Sharon Jones, was quite excellent!

Before that Greg and I were able to get about 2 hours of work done over dinner at Republic, so it felt good to be productive.

Before that we got to watch the Memphis Tigers beat the Louisville Cardinals for the second time this season!

And that was just yesterday!

Now I am looking into next week. This is the week before Spring Break. Three of my classes are getting ready for mid term exams and papers, so I am dealing with a lot of student email over that. My other class just handed in a paper, so I am hoping to get that back to them before the break starts. Actually I may hold onto it even if I do get it graded. I will have to think about that.

I tried to go to the grocery store this morning and it was a zoo! There are severe winter weather warnings issued today and tomorrow, so all of Memphis was at my local grocery store. Deciding I could get what I needed at Walgreen's, I took my time and bought over-priced milk and eggs. I also got some pens, filled my birth control, and got some doggie bags for the dog and the cat. I think that is a pretty good compromise.

I just need to keep a lid on my temper this week. I have gotten so many emails from students who have asked such ridiculous questions. They seem to have had the critical thinking zapped out of them at some point, and now it is becoming very obvious which of them can hack it and which of them are going to have a hard lesson to learn.

This week I need to work on being patient and understanding. They are fragile in an area where I am string, and I need to keep that in the very front of my mind.

The chase

Planning to work most of the day. The last time I said I would, I did, so I am saying it again in hopes of staying honest.

Greg cancelled his Southwest class today because he needs to meet with his grad students. I am going to go to Memphis campus with him and work from the office, and then we are going to a coffee shop to continue working. Fun? Maybe not, but I know it will feel good to get this big stack off my desk. It's not really a stack. It's a bunch of files in an inbox, but you get the idea.

It's around my neck, you know?

We had a big fight and now we are ok. It's getting so hard to see why this makes sense. We didn't even talk about the last one. We just swept it under the rug. He knew he has been an ass, and he said he was sorry for that, but we didn't try to repair anything. I am worried about this one. It won't stay gone for long.

We have some fun things to do this weekend, so I am happy to have some events to look forward to. We are going to a lecture by a writer on Friday, and then we are going to a show on Saturday. What will we do n between all of that? I am betting we will plan to work. Spring Break is out there, and if I can just focus on that, then I think I can get through was lies immediately ahead of me.

Here's hoping, right?

Cat and dog continue to chase and be chased. I never knew how exhausting this would be.

Looking for spring (break)

This morning I fed me a bowl of cereal and then I fed the cat a bowl of food. The dog chases us both, and it feels like a zoo. Will these be the days I look back on and know that I was happy? I hope so.

The depression comes in waves. Today it washed over me before I got out of bed, but I am fighting it off. I am making a plan for my day, and I am going to try to feel accomplished before the day is over. It's almost exclusively work stuff, but it is stuff that I can manage. Today I will work on things that I know I can do in the time I have to do them.

We are a week and a half away from Spring Break, and we are looking forward to a change in the routine. Now, Spring Break is usually when I hunker down and work, so I am going to take special care enjoy the time to work at a slower pace, and we are actually going on a tiny trip just to break up the average. I hope we have fun.

Alright, time to do the thing I said I would do. February has been weird this year. It was warm last week, and I dug out my sandals. There's a flake or two in the forecast now. I'm not sure what I want, from the weather or from life.

Progress (?)

Today is the day I am being observed. At this point, I just want to get it over with, so I am going to to try to get my act together. I know what I need to go over today, but I am not sure how I am going to manage all of my time just yet.

Home right now, and when I get to work, I have a lot to handle. I decided I could work from home yesterday, which just means that I didn't do any little prep in the office yesterday. I will get it done, but I can't get distracted!

Dog and cat are doing better. As I sit here writing, dog is on the couch just like he would have been before cat's arrival. I have no idea where cat is. I thought she would have been down here when I came into the living room this morning, but no such luck.

It's a long week with papers and lectures and exam prep. That usually means that the week moves quickly, but saying that almost assureds that the week will now move at a glacial pace.

Me and Greg? One day at a time. He just doesn't seem to see me. It's annoying today, but it isn't soul depleting like it was last week. That's progress? Oh I don't know, and this morning, I don't think I care. I know that I have a lot to do, and I need to prioritize the things that take my energy. He isn't getting much of my energy today.

My classes are. Be warned!!

Ursula!

We got her! Her name is Ursula because she looks like a little bear. She is solid black, on the small side, and doesn't have a tail. She is really sweet, and she seems to be settling in... except....

Murphy is not content to let her run around. He insists on cornering her and barking at her. It is going to take a while to get these two to the point where they can be in the same room.

Me and Greg? Well, it exploded and nothing was done to fix the mess. Mostly, he doesn't think there is a mess, and me? Well, I think there is a mess, but I can't clean it alone if I'm the only one who sees something. I'm not sure what to do, and I'm not sure getting a cat was the smartest decision.

I was supposed to be observed last week, Wednesday to be specific. I planned and planned, but in the end, the woman who was supposed to observe me didn't show up. She sent an email later saying that something had come up, and now I am preparing again for her visit on Monday. Monday's lecture will be full from beginning to end as I attempt to cover all of Romanticism in one class. No problem, right?

The thing is, I totally know the material. I love the Romantics, but I just don't know if I am good at teaching them. I am pretty sure she is there for style and not necessarily content, but there is room for growth in both those departments. I will just prepare as best I can (again), and do it again on Monday.

It's another weekend of work, work, work. I am about to get in the shower, and then I think I am going to do some cleaning. There are little messes everywhere, and they are starting to bug me. Greg seems pretty determined to get some work done this weekend as well, and there is some that I can do. Truthfully, I am reserving a lot of it for tomorrow. I really could play on Saturday and not on Sunday, but if he wants to spread the agony into an entire weekend, then that is what we usually end up doing.

Will I ever end on a positive note again?

Break-up Cat?

It needs to be said that I might be a little sad these days, and I really want to believe that's it's some kind of post-birthday/post-Valentine's Day thing that will run its course and be done. Now, that being said, how long will it last?

The boyfriend seems so disconnected, the kid seems so disconnected, and I seem interested in renewing connections, but... no one seems interested back.

At a coffee shop right now and have been doing a little work. He's sitting across from me and I know that I love him, but WHYYYYYYY does he feel so distant? He doesn't tell me good night, he doesn't tell me good morning, and he doesn't seem to care when something is going on.

Lately all I see are these people who seem to have it so much better than me. I can't tell him that. He would just be mad. He won't let me help him with anything.

I am trying to look back in at me. I am trying to put myself first. Trying to put myself first means that I see how very rarely I feel like he thinks about me. It just makes me sad. Not even angry. Just sad. He would do anything I wanted, but he never wants to do anything without being asked. It just makes me feel so... insignificant.

Enough, I know. It's more than anyone would ever want to hear. I wish I could get my head out of this and focus on the things that really need attention. It's so frustrating. I have promised myself that this post will be as much as I think about it today.

I think I have gotten enough of this out.

We are talking about getting a cat, and all I can think of is that he and his ex got a dog right before they split. A lot of people get a pet right before they decide they can't make it work anymore.

I don't want a break up cat, but how do I tell him that?

But, but, but

This time last week I was hoping for snow. This week? I am wearing flip flops, and I just wore a short-sleeved shirt to take the dog for a walk. I know I talk about the weather a lot, but it just seems like it needs to be discussed lately!

Greg has taken off for the day. He is teaching at Southwest and then going to University of Memphis for a meeting with a student and a meeting with his CAP group. That leaves me with a large chunk of the day to myself. I should be working, and I will later, but I think I just want to enjoy the time to myself.

I never thought that I would change so much. I have a boyfriend, and I feel like that is where a lot of my energy ends up. I have been thinking about that so much lately. I want some of myself back, and I am really not sure how to do that.

"I have unwritten words up to my ears." J. D. Salinger said that, and I am pretty sure I have never felt that way. Salinger also says that you should only write what you know, but what do I know? I used to think there was a story in me, but now I think that these are the thoughts of youth and not maturity. Is there a way to be youthful and mature?

I need an older soul. Just that sentence alone reminds me of my immaturity. Maybe I will be better in another life. I have just about given up on this one.

No, no, no, that's not what I mean. I just mean that there have been things I wish I had done. I would have done them if I had been able to understand that those chances only come around once. I would have been a better mother. I would have been better to myself. I guess there is the future, but so much seems decided.

Getting my hair cut today, and I am looking forward to that. It's nice to shed things. Maybe that's how I find myself. Maybe instead of throwing myself into something, I pull myself out of something.

My computer needs to restart, so I better wrap up before it decides I am done.

The end of fun

Lord have mercy what a long few days this has been. From school to Valentines Day to just stuff in general, I feel like I am doing as much as I possibly can just to keep from getting swallowed up.

I teach at two schools now so that I can make some extra money. It means that any spare time I get really feels like I am cheating because there is literally ALWAYS something that I need to be doing.

It's Sunday, and I have spent most of the morning working on the "stack" of papers that I started on yesterday. Although, to be fair, I had played with it a little bit throughout the week. However, I am proud to say that I am done with the virtual stack with which I started the weekend, but...

Now I am getting emails from students who don't know how to read the comments on the software. I am also getting emails from students who don't know why they can't see discussion posts. Somewhere in the questions and answers, I really want to scream, "FIGURE IT OUT!!" to these students, but I need to keep this job. Anyway, later today when I venture to the office to start on my actual job, I will be able to address these issues. Perhaps a little more cool-ly? Lord, I hope so...

So yeah, it's work, work, work as of late. I did get to go out for a fun night out on Friday. It was Valentine's day and Greg and I went to a thing at the museum. It was fun and we had dinner at restaurant. He says we will go out for a nicer dinner since what we had there was really mediocre, but I honestly cannot fathom how we will make time for that.

He works all the time, and I feel like a loser when all I want to do is sit on the couch and not think.

Planning to call Nathan today and see how his first Saturday school went. He's not in trouble! His school has officially used up all of it's snow days, so they had to have Saturday school to make up for the lost day. He was not happy about it when I spoke to him last. In fact, he was discussing how he might actually talk his dad into letting him skip it. I would never agree to that, but I have a feeling his dad might. I really hope Bill stood his ground on that one. Crossing my fingers.

So much left to do today, but I am trying to keep an eye the fact that I have already accomplished a lot.

The morning after

Another birthday has come and gone, and the snowed stayed away. I guess I am glad, but I really just wanted to see it. This morning sleet is falling and covering the ground, but there is little hope that they will bar the doors for this weather event. Temps are supposed to reach 38 today. Boo.

I was able to reconnect with a friend yesterday for lunch and a trip to the nail salon. She brought her daughter who I hadn't seen since she was very tiny. It was so good to see them, and I sincerely hope that she and I will work harder to stay more present in each other's lives.

The other night, I went back and read a lot of the old posts in this blog, and I was surprised by all the times I talked about my friends. It was actually a little humbling. OK, a lot humbling. I don't think I have been a great friend lately, and I think I am going to work on that.

Pausing to listen to the closings... nope. We're still a go.

Yesterday was quite lovely. Greg took me out to a nice dinner, Nathan sent me some flowers, and I got lots of nice notes on Facebook. I wish everyday could be my birthday. February 12th might actually be the saddest day.

Teaching Candide today and some Basho as well. I taught the Basho earlier this week, so I feel pretty sure of what I am going to do with that, but the Candide is a little rusty. I am pretty sure I have in in the bag, but I don't remember exactly how I did it last time. I probably will remember as I am teaching it all the things I wanted to do differently this time. That's usually how most of this goes.

Time to get moving. I really wish someone would say that school is closed today. Oh well. It's hump day and Valentine's Day is just around the corner. There is lots to look forward to in the coming days. And I still have cake! ;)

Hoping for snow

Hi... Remember me? I accidentally on purpose looked to see of this thing still existed, and there it was as if I had never left. I read through some old posts from times that I had ABSOLUTELY wiped from memory, and then I remembered something else. I liked doing this. I even think I like that no one reads it. It's nice that somewhere in the world the words that I write exist in an almost anonymous place.

No need to fill in all the details, but the big ones are that in June my son moved to Virginia to try a year with his dad and at the end of 2013 I moved in with my boyfriend. Wha? Yup. All true. Sarah Beth has changed? Maybe, but I am pretty sure you would still recognize her.

I am working two jobs, I still have the plant, and I try to be a cleaner person.

I talked to Nathan tonight, and our conversations always feel so forced. I think he feels pressure to try to say something original, and I think I feel pressure to make sure he knows that I love him even though we are so far apart. It's harder than I thought it would be, the being so far away, and I am never sure he understands how much I miss him, how much his absence affects my present.

I am turning 35 tomorrow, so there's that. Greg is great almost all the time. He tolerates my expectations which is saying a lot, and I am learning that not every problem had to be fixed. In fact, I thought about that very idea today for maybe the first time in a long time when I was having a little spat with a friend and co-worker.

Some problems have this almost magical way of becoming unimportant with almost no effort. Now, I don't actually think that Greg is so smart that he always knows which one needs to be addressed and which ones don't. Personally, I think he would be pretty content to just ignore all of them, so I guess that is our balance. Today, in that spat, I felt my old tendencies creeping in as I tried to help my friend fix something she didn't want to fix. I still don't understand knowing there is a problem and not doing anything about it, but I am starting to understand giving it some time to just "be" a problem.

See? I told you I was still me. Incoherent and rambly.

My boyfriend is important, my friends are important, and I am afraid that my son is starting not to need me. 

There is a chance for snow tonight, and I really hope it happens. I would love a snow day and a chance to sit down and get some work done. Oh, yeah, I could totally be doing now, but I think this is good, too. I think I need a place to put my thoughts again. Truth? I am starting to forget who I am. My hope? I hope I find her here, and I promise, if I do, I will not lose her again.