Silly silly silly

Goodbye, April. Hello, May. I see you around the corner of this rainy month. Bring sunshine and better days and inspirational unexpectedness. Bring fresh starts and warm hearts and someone to liven up the day.

Rest easy, April. You did what you could. I am glad you are gone, and I am thankful for what you taught me. Thing is, you are a rough month from beginning to end, and I am glad to be done with you. It may sound harsh, it may sound cruel, but that's the way it bes sometimes, and that's all I got for you.

C'mon, May, warm up my cold heart and put a smile on my face. Teach me the secrets that you hold in your transitional realm. Take me on a ramble, challenge me a little, hold me a lot, and give me a feeling that isn't something I already got.

A tall order you think? It's all riding on you. May you have what no other month has, and that's my faith that you are the month to turn it all around. You can do it, I just know you can. And if you can't, then what's what? Another month you say?

Months I ain't got. Time I don't spare. May, you don't surprise me, you don't scare me none. You're just like all the other months, disappointing me before you're even here. Silly, May, with your three letter name, I guess it's on me again.

It's not the month or the year or the shirt I wear. Doing what I need to do happens every day of every year.

Republished

I wrote what follows during my last couple of months of grad school. It's.. well, it's amazing to be reminded by myself what I want for myself. Thanks, self.

What it is.

So I am in grad school, right? And one of those questions that keeps getting thrown around stems from the one that asks, "What does it mean?" only it is more like, "What does it not mean?" Because the one thing that I have learned is that there isn’t anything that is absolute This is the idea which ultimately reaches the point where meaning does not exist. It’s kind of the same as Plato’s, "I know that I know nothing" only it is on a bigger scale, the scale being everything that ever was only it never really was to begin with. Ya dig? It’s cool if you don’t.

Deep down, I think I am starting to realize that this is some archaic creation dreamed up by scholars who saw that there might be an end to knowledge and dreamed up this scheme as a way of creating job security. I can actually appreciate those hoodwinkers if that is the case. I swear, this is going somewhere.

See, I watched this movie tonight... Wait, don’t judge me yet, there will be a brief judgement session near the end, just stay with me for now and curb your desire to roll your eyes. If you have already rolled your eyes, fine, thanks for continuing to read...

So this movie was one that has been on my "I need to watch" list for about as long as any of them, but I decided to get it and put off work for 2 and a half hours longer. Here is the question I have.. I will reveal the movie later, just staving off that imminent judgement...

If we don’t have someone to tell our story, if we don’t tell our story, then were we ever really here at all? If we don’t share, if we don’t feel in the presence of others, then who are we when we aren’t?

Here is most of where those questions led me...

So I blog infrequently and at some point when I don’t have a pulse, these rambles will be one of the few remaining shadows of the time when I was around. I know, it sounds awful, but it’s just something for me to think as a member of the living. But here it is... What I put here is still not my story. There are a thousand things that I think and feel that at least nibble at what makes up my center. That is, provided, I even have a center. I never say these stories, I never write them, I never feel them in the presence of others. Is there something inside me that because it lacks the expression actually impedes me from ever existing in the world at all? Am I here in this moment or am I only what you think I am, thought I was, want me to be? I swear, I got all of this from a movie.

So I am in grad school, and reality is something that is built and rebuilt and often just an imagination run amuck. So I watch this movie and I realize that I am a memory of myself to anyone who has ever known me or ever will know me. What do I do with that?

I do this.

For every moment that I am alive, from this point until the next, I want to let others know that we are all in this together. Life, with its many layers both real and unreal, are only what they are for us and not me alone. Richness and color are one-sided and hollow without other eyes to give to me what we give to it, and I only want to know what you know so that I can know it, too.

I will not live in a valley. I will not live on a mountain. I will live in the place where your shadow touches mine and the sun touches us all. Seriously. That’s really what it is. Whatever it is.

The movie was Into the Wild. Commence with the judgement, you have been patient long enough.

Last day of classes

When I saw an old face and didn't run, I knew that I was getting over this. When I felt a blush I seldom ever get, I knew there was a difference in me. Yesterday gave me a new way to look at today and tomorrow and some days ahead of those.

Trying not to get caught up in things I cannot have, trying to learn from mistakes, and trying to settle the sounds I don't want to hear is what I do. Try, try, try, and now I know that I need to look for some success, too. I am so afraid of saying that I have done something well. I mean, I was taught that I am never free of some things, and somehow, I have translated that to mean that I am never able to achieve what I strive towards either. Can you make sense out of that?

An albatross is an albatross, even when it isn't a failure.

Sometimes my imagery is ridiculous

Like an early summer sea, the anxiety is ebbing. Slept a lot yesterday. Work today, work tomorrow, and then maybe something different. Distance is the best feeling, and I need some more. I halfway know what I mean.

People teach for one of two reasons: personal glory or world-changing. I know people who teach for both sides of the camp. The ones who teach for the first side, well, they suck. I wish those people would just realize that if you aren't in it for the others, then there really is no you. You can either teach to the faces that are there, or you can teach to the ocean that swells with empty applause for a goal you never reached.

My students said some amazing things yesterday. The gentle quietening of the screams has more to do with them than it has to do with the sleep I got. They talked and fought and listened and cared. I sat back and watched their faces, and I shut my eyes to the sea I never saw.

Screamscreamscream

Remember when little Jenny says her prayer in Forest Gump? She asks God to make her a bird, so she can fly "fa fa away." Well, my southern accent is real, and my prayer is the same. Some kind of fear or anxiety has taken over me. Nothing feels very good this morning. I don't know what is happening. I only hope that no one can tell how I feel. How can I act like everything is fine when I feel so not fine on the inside? I can't tell if I want to cry or scream or run or sleep. I need a few hours that I don't have. I just got to get myself together before anyone realizes that there is a scream in my head that no one can hear but me.

In my head

A million little thoughts are swimming in my head today, and none of them amount to much. The weather outside makes it difficult to think about more than rearranging my schedule so that sitting in the sun is all I have to do.

Planting some flowers this weekend. Just a few around a tree is all I am planning. Can't wait.

Creating memories of things that never happend and rewriting history with make believe scenarios. Is this something that all people do?

One thing to say

THIS IS NOT MY JOB!!!!

That's all I got.

Hug the planet

Resume Writing Workshop today! A month of clearing a path for an opportunity to shed a little light on just how to sell yourself on paper. I think I should take a seat and listen to myself if that is really what is on the bill.

Reading "a novel in cartoons" in order to "help" my son with a book report. Taking bets on how much I do and how much I actually help.

Music infects me more lately. I blame the sunshine.

Wanting to start a compost container at home, but I am FREAKED out by the chemical processes and mostly the WORMS. I throw away so many things that I know would make awesome compost. I am going to research it and see if maybe there is a way to do it without dying a little every time I lift the lid.

It's earth day. Hug the planet and reuse a container. Recycling isn't just separating the paper from the plastic. A lot of the time it means cutting back on just how much waste we generate. Using bread bags over is my latest foray into reusing. I also hang on to sandwich bags, to go containers, and any bag big enough to line the bathroom waste can. The result? I only have enough trash to generate a bag a week for the garbage man. Trying to get it down to a bag every two weeks.

The best part of waking up...

Tired all the way down this morning. Coffee can't reach the places that need reviving. Slept with the iPod on last night, dreamed some amazing things.

Do you know what it is like to feel ready only you aren't really sure what you are ready for? I mean, maybe it's summer, or the end of the semester, or some other thing lurking this time of the year, but I just can't shake the feeling that a change is coming and that everything has sort of been bringing me to this point. That someday, someday very soon everything will make sense.

Is it true that a compass with spin out of control at true north? Why does the idea of that happening make me absolutely giddy?

I found a dog. I want to name him Wrigley.

Punch Brothers

Sometimes music makes you sit down and listen.

I have been meaning to put this somewhere for a while.

Sunny days (cue the yellow bird)

Busy week ahead, and I think they all may be for a moment.

I wish I knew Karate and ESL secrets. Both would help me in my role as an educator these last days of the semester.

Going to be a beautiful week. Baseball tonight, 80 degrees by the weekend. Thinking of going to games all weekend. Hoping there are some day games, maybe a Sunday.

Reading for fun is rocking my world. I heard some guy say that saying things like "rock my world" is lame. Obviously this guy has a) never had his world rocked b) never rocked the world of another.

I kind of hoped that turning 30 meant the end of drunken booty calls. Alas, the text message renders this impossible. Sadder still, I appreciate that my name is still among the 3 am list for a lost few. Seriously though, even if I like it, drunk texting is still very lame.

I say lame a lot. Let me work on that.

Rubber tantrum

Fell asleep with every light in the house still bright and warm. Woke up at 4 just knowing I was late for something. Haven't shaken that feeling yet.

Working on a Saturday. I remember when that was not an unexpected thing. Grateful for the unexpectedness of a Saturday session in the WC.

Liking my boss, and thinking she likes me, and still there is indecision in the air... Know that is has to be false.

Preparing for a presentation/workshop on Wednesday. Hoping for good news about 2 jobs.

And the other thing? Well... there are only 2 weeks of school left, and that is my solace for now. Can you dig that?

Running from shadows at noon is easy. Running from shadows at 5 is futile. Thinking this way, without logic screaming at me, is keeping me running from things, not admitting that I am the one running away.

The symmetry of silence and noise isn't comforting or reassuring. It's a reminder that when one is present, the other is lurking, threatening to spoil the fun.

Hanging out to dry

Bureaucracy is the other white meat.

Needing the kind of strength that comes after years and not months of experience in education. Wishing I still had a basement full of TAs to help me get my balls out of my pocket.

From last year to this year... I don't even recognize me...

Remember the opening line of the preacher in "The Big Chill"? He says (in that way that overly acted southern preachers say things), "Where did Alex's hope go?". I keep hearing that voice in my head as I stare into the abyss of red tape and FERPA forms that are assuredly in my future for the next few weeks.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I want to change the world through education... Well, you scoffers, you eye-rollers, you doubters, and you nay sayers. It will comfort you to know that I have hit the wall with how much I can do. Now I am reaching deeper into my motivation than I ever thought I would, and I am taking a seat to learn more about the system that has to be beaten.

What color is real?

Today is my sister's birthday.

I was having some crazy thoughts last night, and then I had a crazy dream. Here are the thoughts not the dream.

My soul was red, bloody, visceral, alive. It pumped ideas, hope, movement, calamity.

Then I think my soul was blue. It was quiet, reserved, a sponge soaking up the world.

It grew and then it became green. It looked, it saw, it wanted other things.

It got sticky and ugly and didn't shake off the muck. It tried to clean the junk, but the sludge had gone too deep. The grime was inside making my soul dingy and gray.

So against the rocks it has landed. In the water it has been washed. Through painful slashes and wrenching agony, my soul has been ripped and torn open.

The dirt is gone. And so is the color.

Pebbles

We are living in times the likes of which seem unfathomable. Terrorists and pirates are real things existing outside the realms of theory and fantasy.

Do you cry like a child every time you watch clips of that woman's singing performance. And then when she tries to walk from the stage... And then when the skinny, perfect judge apologizes... And then when Simon says nice things... And then when they show the clips of her talking about her cat... Yeah, I get really choked up. No joke. Ugly people everywhere are having the same reaction. Someone from our team hit a home run. It's like The Bad News Bears: British TV Style!

Coming of age

Last evening while walking in the woods with Nathan, the over-protective in me took over, and I would not let Nathan go exploring solo down a muddy ditch.

Nathan says, "Mom! I am a man, and men can go exploring alone or at least with a camera crew."

...

Last night after DWtS, I asked Nathan if he loved me the most. (This is a cruel game I play where I try to get Nathan to tell me that he loves me more than his grandparents.)

Nathan says, "I love you with a third of my body, Grandmama with a third of my body, and Nana with a third of my body." Then he farted.

Nathan says, "Not that part of my body."

...

Two eyes, two hands
Our lives, our hearts
I love you, Nathan
Even the farts!

System error

I meant to watch this show on how not to procrastinate, but I put it off. Ha. Funnier fact is that this is truer than true.

Stack is dwindling. Praise be to Allah.

I bet I just put myself on the terrorist watch list.

Spilled coffee on my leg, stuck my hair in a bun, and cooked breakfast burritos that neither of us really wanted.

Those things we can't control? Yeah, I keep telling myself they are that way for a reason. Kind of like those system files on my computer that my computer won't let me open. Yeah, JUST like that.

The uninvited

It's late and somewhere Jacob Dylan is singing about 6th avenues and lines drawn. From the booth where I feel like I now live, I am looking over what passes for student essays. I need to recalibrate.

Pretending like I am somewhere other than a one-horse town seems like a pointless waste of energy. Can I get the rest of this stack done tomorrow?

I applied for a summer job at Kroger. It has come to that.

Friday 3 people offered (without being asked) to write letters of recommendation for me.

I am holding out for the job at the fuel center.

Couldn't stop crying yesterday. Watched myself in the mirror, telling myself how stupid I looked. When will this well be tapped dry?

It isn't hard to smile, but it is difficult to mean it. Will I ever know why I am this way?

I wasn't invited to another work party. I wouldn't have invited me either.

Weekend eve

Good night with a friend last night. Haven't been doing that much and trying to act like it isn't something that I miss.

Good Friday, but all of the other days have been good as well. I don't want Friday to go feeling all special or anything.

Watched an awful couple yesterday. It was the woman not the man who carried the Awful Torch. Seeing them made me rethink a lot of things...

Meetings and papers and doing what hasn't been done litter the desk of my mind.

I'm living in yesterday's tomorrow.
(Jerry said that.)

Philip Glass stole my heart last night

Really awesome thing happened yesterday. I am waiting to see how it plays out before I offer the story in whole.

Stacks of papers loom before me. I am threatening to burn them. By accident of course.

Been feeling like it's Friday since about Tuesday.

How to explain this... I get anxious when I start to feel good about things. Lately, I am very anxious. That is the best I can do.

I like when people get to the point, and I wish I knew more people who just say what needs to be said.

Under over sideways and in
This is how my day will begin

Esoteric ramblings

Had a flash of brilliance and now I know what I need to do.

Watched people who don't get each other try to have a conversation. It was painful. And sort of comforting...

Experiencing a sense of understanding looming in the chaos.

Not a downer, but certainly a hopeful pessimist. Hey, I think that is as close to real as you can get in a world like this.

If love hurts so much...

Stop me if you've heard this one.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

homeless

Frustration

Grrr.

I have a student who writes what his mother tells him to write. Now that I can prove it with 90% accuracy... the dept won't back me.

Will this student learn that he can successfully cheat his way through life? Will he ever actually learn the skills necessary for written communication?

How am I supposed to grade this paper knowing that his mother wrote the thing? How am I supposed to hand it back to him with notes that I know he won't react to because he is just going to hand it over to his mother for her approval?

When there are so many students who are honestly giving their best effort, is it in my best interest to just turn a blind eye to him and focus on the students who are actually giving me their own work? If I didn't care, then that is what I would do. I do care... I wish it didn't matter.

Looks like I am going to dig my own grave on this one.

Personal Velocity

Weekend was super-soaked with me-time. It was magnificent.

I need saving from myself about 90% of the time. That thing I did when I changed the names in my phone... Wow... It continues to amaze me how much that has changed my life. That's all I have to say about that.

Had a really bad dream last night. I haven't had one of those in a very long time, and I don't want to have another one for a very long time.

Still doing irresponsible things and tempting fate to catch me... Hoping that putting these thoughts to words will help me be better at not being so bad. Cryptic is as cryptic does.

Watched a good movie that I own and seldom watch. Everyone moves at his or her own speed. I think I stayed in 5th gear for too long, and now that my life is comfortably coasting in about 3rd, I seem to desire the pace of a life once lived too quickly. Memories mask how painful it was to watch the world flying by me. I am now in the scenes I could never really see and notice that the pace of others is now the blur.

Forecast

Drama with a student and his MOTHER yesterday. Um, I don't teach high school...

Read a really good story written by a friend of mine. I am reminded that I also wanted to be a writer once. What am I waiting for?

Michelle Obama is awesome, don't get me wrong... Is she that awesome?

No idea what this weekend will hold. Ready for a little life and a clean house and a quiet thought or two. Know what I mean?

Hope tomorrow is pretty enough to get some sun on my face before the winter weather promised to us early in the week smacks me back indoors.

Am I really blogging about the weather?

I need to stop sleeping on the couch.

To Boo List

Filled out my 'roo stuff today. That looks like a done deal.

Filled out 3 job apps last night. That looks like a waste of time.

Kids coming by all day today. Hope that makes the time fly!

Tired of defending my love of Tiger basketball to people who just aren't "fans" like I am.

Apologizing for the gripe list that is this Thursday entry.

Blue blogger

My father would have been 57 today. When he was my age, he only had 5 more years to live. Life is so short.

Coach Cal left us.

Marvin Gaye was shot and killed by his father on this date in 1984. I was 5, and I remember hearing his name on the news or TV or something. That's about all. It must suck to look down the barrel of a gun that your father is holding.

I feel like I shouldn't miss my dad as much as I do. I feel like I shouldn't feel as sad as I do when I think about how he is not here and how I don't have that many memories of when he was here.

I will go to where he is buried today. I will lay on his grave. I will pretend that he is there. I will talk to him. Out loud. That is what I do on his birthday. Is that sick? Is that what people do? I wish he hadn't been born on April Fool's. I think this day would be a fun one to celebrate and play around with. I don't even try.