Spring thaw?

I am looking forward to Spring Break like I am one of them (read: my students). I am looking forward to Spring like I am a hibernating bear. Hopefully, this attitude will shed itself and release me from the grump I have become lately. I am happy to report that something in me is thawing, and if I could just locate the source of the warmth, I feel like I could maybe speed up the process. Tiger basketball is helping, I can say that for sure.

Couched

This band I like has a song called "seasonal funk." Maybe that is what it is. Maybe I am that lady that is so perpetually unhappy that I feel like I can't be around the happy people for fear that I will infect them with this sickness. My saner, logical self says I should just pull my head out of my ass. Why can't I just do that? Why do the smallest things send me into some spiral of sadness? This weekend I couldn't get a couch to fit into my door, and for that I cried half the day. I hate one of my jobs so much that I am sitting here with headphones on wishing for the clock to move just a little bit faster.

They (the people I work with) think I don't know how much they hate me. I know they do, it really isn't all that hard to figure out. This morning my boss pulled aside one of her friends so they could talk about the party I wasn't invited to last night. Last week a tiny thing I said offended someone I work with to the point that she is threatening (via facebook...) to punch me in the face. I apologized as soon as I said it. It doesn't matter.

And so here, in the sanctity of a blog that no one reads, I will make my case against her at least.

My boss at the WC has this habit of starting each meeting with a lateral thinking exercise. A group of people try to figure out the explanation for an odd circumstance by asking questions that are "out of the box." Well, on one particular day, this line of questioning pursued by my co-workers resulted in an explanation that was more or less the tragic way that my father had died. A room full of people laughed and joked about the thing that still causes me to cry like a child. My boss apologized as soon as she realized what she had done. I sucked it up and moved on. I haven't brought it up again.

That's just it. It's what adults do. I am just not wrong about this. Not this time.

So I can't be a child and sulk about a party I wasn't invited to. I can't be a child even though it's what I want to do more than anything. I can't be a child because there are already too many children.

All I can do is wait for the funk to pass. I can look for the things that make me strong. I can do what I know gives me joy. I can hope for a day when sunshine warms my face and my soul. I can look for someone to buy the couch that won't fit through my door.