My friend

Stayed with Sarah in her apt just outside Nashville last night. This morning (well, it's after 11, so morning-ish) I am sitting at her comp, drinking her coffee, and waiting for her to get out of bed. I am not going to wake her up, but I may just bang on these keys a little louder! Ha!

As we were going and doing last night she and I both had this funny reaction to the night. I mean, here we are, finally in the same place after literally months apart, and instead of painting the town and all that, we were just happy to eat a delicious meal and call it a night. Ha! I know, I am 40 before I am even 30!

Sarah gives awful directions. Yes, Sarah, you do. I mean, the name wasn't even on the sign, and that was a street not a driveway. Don't even get me started on how that "billboard" is completely in the dark and impossible to see in the rain... What's my point? Sarah will always think she is right, I will always think I am right, and our friendship will survive. We will add it to the quiver of stories that we shoot at each other when we are having a rant about how ridiculous we both are.

I miss you, Sarah. I miss knowing you are just around the corner. I miss the funny way we are when we are together. I miss the way you know me. You don't hate or judge, and you know how to tell me I am wrong in a way that I can hear. I don't know, I guess that is what love is. Or maybe I have had too much coffee.

I like to think about us when we are old and wrinkled. Can't you just see us? You will be fully gray; I will be trying out another ridiculous hair color. You will be in some great velvet jogging suit; I will be in a rainbow skirt with noisy bells. We will be sitting together over coffee grumbling about kids and their lack of respect. We will talk about what they wear and how their parents should teach them better.

Thank you for being my friend, and I mean that.

Warm fuzzies

Everyone I run into these days in is in the holiday spirit, and shock and surprise, so am I! There is something in the air that just seems to have people thinking about the importance of family and friends and not so much the pressure of gifts and stuff. I am certain the recession has people pinching pennies just as much as the next guy, and strangely, I think we finally have something for which we can thank Bush. The money crunch is making this a much more personal holiday season.

For those that don't know, I walked the stage this weekend claiming my empty diploma holder in a graduation ceremony enjoyed by close friends and family. The big to-do was followed by lunch at one of my favorite Memphis haunts. During the melee of pork and rib sauce, I took a mental picture that I hope I will remember far into the oldest days I live. Surrounded by loving well-wishers, I felt like I was in the midst of a family I am rarely thankful for having. We fight, we bicker, we forget, we blame, but we also laugh, joke, praise, and celebrate.

For several days I have been working on a project for my mother. She moved from my childhood home to the house once occupied by my late grandmother. Using my winter hiatus to clean out the attic of the older home seemed like a perfect opportunity to do something really helpful. During day three or four of the attic adventure, I found several boxes of pictures from upwards of 40 years ago.

I can't describe just how happy I have been to look through all these pictures that I never knew existed. There are so many pictures of my father and me that I can actually feel an empty place start to fill. One that is especially striking is of me and daddy in the backyard. I must have been 4 or so. He is laying on a sleeping bag, and I am putting sunblock on his back. It is just a picture of me with my hand on his back as he lays there with his eyes closed on a sunny day. I feel all warm and glowy when I look at it.

There is another picture of me and him when I was too little to have too many teeth. I am sitting on his lap while he shows me how to brush my teeth. I am looking directly into his face as he looks into mine. I feel like I am being hugged and held when I look at this one.

There are others that make me cry, and I am just as grateful for those as I am for the warmer ones. For the first time in a long time I am in touch with who I was and who I am. I can miss him and not be as sad as I once was. I don't know the words to describe how good it feels to know and now have proof that he was real and he loved me. My father loved me. He would still love me if he was here.

From the Queen of Passive Aggressiva

Unremarkable me, overly sensitive soul, walking a thin line between pained and painful. Hearing what I don't want to know, wishing I could just be under a rock and ignored. No way for that to happen when a magpie haunts the trees and the eaves. I flew away and built a nest of newspaper and black ink. There with the comfort of unknown origins sits the possibility of anonymity. Yet... the silence is stirred and the stillness broken by the chirping of that now unasked for bird.

Wily-nilly, power-flower take your words away. Leave me alone. Find another peace to piss on and know that I loved you once. Little magpie, I wanted noise and flutter, but that isn't welcome anymore. I need a quiet solemnity that you just can't be.

Once,when friends had flown and life seemed dreary, you were the noise I needed. Now, well, it's just clutter you shove so thoughtlessly my way. Leave me in my nest of newspaper and black ink. Forget my stories. Remember that things were good for as long as they were, but those times are gone. I wanted to grow old with you. Your sound isn't the music it once was. I'm sorry I don't need you. I want to miss you.

Take my name out of your mouth. Magpie, don't chatter about me. Your name is safe with me. I don't desire to hurt it. You are a good magpie. You are smart and ambitious and full of life. You are beautiful and exciting and worthy of all you receive.

Denouement

Wooo hooo! I just gave the final of the finals, and I am just waiting on one or two little things before I am done teaching for 2008!

I am totally going to miss teaching everyday. It has been a blast, and I mean that! Even when I got behind on grading and had to give some things up to get grading done, well, it was still fun. I like what I do, and I am hoping I get to do it for a very long time.

I am looking forward to the opportunity to teach this class again next semester. Now that I have a firmer grasp on the bigger picture of the expected accomplishments for a class like this, I think I can change a few things and make it a much more beneficial experience for my students. At some point during my winter break (read: nap), I am going to rethink my game plan for teaching students how to become better writers. I am also going to look for more ways to make grammar a little more appealing. I know, it is an exercise in futility, but I will search nonetheless.

MIA

Chloe is missing. The day I found out about the cancer thing a white kitty-cat wandered into my yard. In the middle of life-changing news, I sat in the misty rain and coaxed this pretty kitty into eating food from my hand. A real outdoorsy kind of kitty, Chloe wasn't really one to come inside with any kind of ease.

Only recently when the weather snapped chilly did Chloe venture inside mine and Nathan's humble dwelling. She slept on Nathan's bottom bunk, warmed herself by the kitchen heater, and ran from my other cat.

This past Wednesday my brother and his wife brought their dog with them for their Thanksgiving visit. I guess Chloe sensed Sam's canine presence because Chloe has been AWOL since then.

I am so worried about her. I wandered through the woods at the edge of my house looking for her. It has been so cold, and my mind is wandering into dark places searching for possibilities about where she might be.

Hoping for the best, I am picturing her taken in by a family with kids and a mom with a soft place in her heart for strays. Maybe she will come running home soon with a belly full of babies.

Chloe wore a little pink collar with a bell. I keep thinking I can hear it jingling faintly in the woods. When I go in the direction of the sound, I am met with cold wind and rain, reminding me that Chloe might be out there cold and scared.