The chase

Planning to work most of the day. The last time I said I would, I did, so I am saying it again in hopes of staying honest.

Greg cancelled his Southwest class today because he needs to meet with his grad students. I am going to go to Memphis campus with him and work from the office, and then we are going to a coffee shop to continue working. Fun? Maybe not, but I know it will feel good to get this big stack off my desk. It's not really a stack. It's a bunch of files in an inbox, but you get the idea.

It's around my neck, you know?

We had a big fight and now we are ok. It's getting so hard to see why this makes sense. We didn't even talk about the last one. We just swept it under the rug. He knew he has been an ass, and he said he was sorry for that, but we didn't try to repair anything. I am worried about this one. It won't stay gone for long.

We have some fun things to do this weekend, so I am happy to have some events to look forward to. We are going to a lecture by a writer on Friday, and then we are going to a show on Saturday. What will we do n between all of that? I am betting we will plan to work. Spring Break is out there, and if I can just focus on that, then I think I can get through was lies immediately ahead of me.

Here's hoping, right?

Cat and dog continue to chase and be chased. I never knew how exhausting this would be.

Looking for spring (break)

This morning I fed me a bowl of cereal and then I fed the cat a bowl of food. The dog chases us both, and it feels like a zoo. Will these be the days I look back on and know that I was happy? I hope so.

The depression comes in waves. Today it washed over me before I got out of bed, but I am fighting it off. I am making a plan for my day, and I am going to try to feel accomplished before the day is over. It's almost exclusively work stuff, but it is stuff that I can manage. Today I will work on things that I know I can do in the time I have to do them.

We are a week and a half away from Spring Break, and we are looking forward to a change in the routine. Now, Spring Break is usually when I hunker down and work, so I am going to take special care enjoy the time to work at a slower pace, and we are actually going on a tiny trip just to break up the average. I hope we have fun.

Alright, time to do the thing I said I would do. February has been weird this year. It was warm last week, and I dug out my sandals. There's a flake or two in the forecast now. I'm not sure what I want, from the weather or from life.

Progress (?)

Today is the day I am being observed. At this point, I just want to get it over with, so I am going to to try to get my act together. I know what I need to go over today, but I am not sure how I am going to manage all of my time just yet.

Home right now, and when I get to work, I have a lot to handle. I decided I could work from home yesterday, which just means that I didn't do any little prep in the office yesterday. I will get it done, but I can't get distracted!

Dog and cat are doing better. As I sit here writing, dog is on the couch just like he would have been before cat's arrival. I have no idea where cat is. I thought she would have been down here when I came into the living room this morning, but no such luck.

It's a long week with papers and lectures and exam prep. That usually means that the week moves quickly, but saying that almost assureds that the week will now move at a glacial pace.

Me and Greg? One day at a time. He just doesn't seem to see me. It's annoying today, but it isn't soul depleting like it was last week. That's progress? Oh I don't know, and this morning, I don't think I care. I know that I have a lot to do, and I need to prioritize the things that take my energy. He isn't getting much of my energy today.

My classes are. Be warned!!

Ursula!

We got her! Her name is Ursula because she looks like a little bear. She is solid black, on the small side, and doesn't have a tail. She is really sweet, and she seems to be settling in... except....

Murphy is not content to let her run around. He insists on cornering her and barking at her. It is going to take a while to get these two to the point where they can be in the same room.

Me and Greg? Well, it exploded and nothing was done to fix the mess. Mostly, he doesn't think there is a mess, and me? Well, I think there is a mess, but I can't clean it alone if I'm the only one who sees something. I'm not sure what to do, and I'm not sure getting a cat was the smartest decision.

I was supposed to be observed last week, Wednesday to be specific. I planned and planned, but in the end, the woman who was supposed to observe me didn't show up. She sent an email later saying that something had come up, and now I am preparing again for her visit on Monday. Monday's lecture will be full from beginning to end as I attempt to cover all of Romanticism in one class. No problem, right?

The thing is, I totally know the material. I love the Romantics, but I just don't know if I am good at teaching them. I am pretty sure she is there for style and not necessarily content, but there is room for growth in both those departments. I will just prepare as best I can (again), and do it again on Monday.

It's another weekend of work, work, work. I am about to get in the shower, and then I think I am going to do some cleaning. There are little messes everywhere, and they are starting to bug me. Greg seems pretty determined to get some work done this weekend as well, and there is some that I can do. Truthfully, I am reserving a lot of it for tomorrow. I really could play on Saturday and not on Sunday, but if he wants to spread the agony into an entire weekend, then that is what we usually end up doing.

Will I ever end on a positive note again?

Break-up Cat?

It needs to be said that I might be a little sad these days, and I really want to believe that's it's some kind of post-birthday/post-Valentine's Day thing that will run its course and be done. Now, that being said, how long will it last?

The boyfriend seems so disconnected, the kid seems so disconnected, and I seem interested in renewing connections, but... no one seems interested back.

At a coffee shop right now and have been doing a little work. He's sitting across from me and I know that I love him, but WHYYYYYYY does he feel so distant? He doesn't tell me good night, he doesn't tell me good morning, and he doesn't seem to care when something is going on.

Lately all I see are these people who seem to have it so much better than me. I can't tell him that. He would just be mad. He won't let me help him with anything.

I am trying to look back in at me. I am trying to put myself first. Trying to put myself first means that I see how very rarely I feel like he thinks about me. It just makes me sad. Not even angry. Just sad. He would do anything I wanted, but he never wants to do anything without being asked. It just makes me feel so... insignificant.

Enough, I know. It's more than anyone would ever want to hear. I wish I could get my head out of this and focus on the things that really need attention. It's so frustrating. I have promised myself that this post will be as much as I think about it today.

I think I have gotten enough of this out.

We are talking about getting a cat, and all I can think of is that he and his ex got a dog right before they split. A lot of people get a pet right before they decide they can't make it work anymore.

I don't want a break up cat, but how do I tell him that?

But, but, but

This time last week I was hoping for snow. This week? I am wearing flip flops, and I just wore a short-sleeved shirt to take the dog for a walk. I know I talk about the weather a lot, but it just seems like it needs to be discussed lately!

Greg has taken off for the day. He is teaching at Southwest and then going to University of Memphis for a meeting with a student and a meeting with his CAP group. That leaves me with a large chunk of the day to myself. I should be working, and I will later, but I think I just want to enjoy the time to myself.

I never thought that I would change so much. I have a boyfriend, and I feel like that is where a lot of my energy ends up. I have been thinking about that so much lately. I want some of myself back, and I am really not sure how to do that.

"I have unwritten words up to my ears." J. D. Salinger said that, and I am pretty sure I have never felt that way. Salinger also says that you should only write what you know, but what do I know? I used to think there was a story in me, but now I think that these are the thoughts of youth and not maturity. Is there a way to be youthful and mature?

I need an older soul. Just that sentence alone reminds me of my immaturity. Maybe I will be better in another life. I have just about given up on this one.

No, no, no, that's not what I mean. I just mean that there have been things I wish I had done. I would have done them if I had been able to understand that those chances only come around once. I would have been a better mother. I would have been better to myself. I guess there is the future, but so much seems decided.

Getting my hair cut today, and I am looking forward to that. It's nice to shed things. Maybe that's how I find myself. Maybe instead of throwing myself into something, I pull myself out of something.

My computer needs to restart, so I better wrap up before it decides I am done.

The end of fun

Lord have mercy what a long few days this has been. From school to Valentines Day to just stuff in general, I feel like I am doing as much as I possibly can just to keep from getting swallowed up.

I teach at two schools now so that I can make some extra money. It means that any spare time I get really feels like I am cheating because there is literally ALWAYS something that I need to be doing.

It's Sunday, and I have spent most of the morning working on the "stack" of papers that I started on yesterday. Although, to be fair, I had played with it a little bit throughout the week. However, I am proud to say that I am done with the virtual stack with which I started the weekend, but...

Now I am getting emails from students who don't know how to read the comments on the software. I am also getting emails from students who don't know why they can't see discussion posts. Somewhere in the questions and answers, I really want to scream, "FIGURE IT OUT!!" to these students, but I need to keep this job. Anyway, later today when I venture to the office to start on my actual job, I will be able to address these issues. Perhaps a little more cool-ly? Lord, I hope so...

So yeah, it's work, work, work as of late. I did get to go out for a fun night out on Friday. It was Valentine's day and Greg and I went to a thing at the museum. It was fun and we had dinner at restaurant. He says we will go out for a nicer dinner since what we had there was really mediocre, but I honestly cannot fathom how we will make time for that.

He works all the time, and I feel like a loser when all I want to do is sit on the couch and not think.

Planning to call Nathan today and see how his first Saturday school went. He's not in trouble! His school has officially used up all of it's snow days, so they had to have Saturday school to make up for the lost day. He was not happy about it when I spoke to him last. In fact, he was discussing how he might actually talk his dad into letting him skip it. I would never agree to that, but I have a feeling his dad might. I really hope Bill stood his ground on that one. Crossing my fingers.

So much left to do today, but I am trying to keep an eye the fact that I have already accomplished a lot.

The morning after

Another birthday has come and gone, and the snowed stayed away. I guess I am glad, but I really just wanted to see it. This morning sleet is falling and covering the ground, but there is little hope that they will bar the doors for this weather event. Temps are supposed to reach 38 today. Boo.

I was able to reconnect with a friend yesterday for lunch and a trip to the nail salon. She brought her daughter who I hadn't seen since she was very tiny. It was so good to see them, and I sincerely hope that she and I will work harder to stay more present in each other's lives.

The other night, I went back and read a lot of the old posts in this blog, and I was surprised by all the times I talked about my friends. It was actually a little humbling. OK, a lot humbling. I don't think I have been a great friend lately, and I think I am going to work on that.

Pausing to listen to the closings... nope. We're still a go.

Yesterday was quite lovely. Greg took me out to a nice dinner, Nathan sent me some flowers, and I got lots of nice notes on Facebook. I wish everyday could be my birthday. February 12th might actually be the saddest day.

Teaching Candide today and some Basho as well. I taught the Basho earlier this week, so I feel pretty sure of what I am going to do with that, but the Candide is a little rusty. I am pretty sure I have in in the bag, but I don't remember exactly how I did it last time. I probably will remember as I am teaching it all the things I wanted to do differently this time. That's usually how most of this goes.

Time to get moving. I really wish someone would say that school is closed today. Oh well. It's hump day and Valentine's Day is just around the corner. There is lots to look forward to in the coming days. And I still have cake! ;)

Hoping for snow

Hi... Remember me? I accidentally on purpose looked to see of this thing still existed, and there it was as if I had never left. I read through some old posts from times that I had ABSOLUTELY wiped from memory, and then I remembered something else. I liked doing this. I even think I like that no one reads it. It's nice that somewhere in the world the words that I write exist in an almost anonymous place.

No need to fill in all the details, but the big ones are that in June my son moved to Virginia to try a year with his dad and at the end of 2013 I moved in with my boyfriend. Wha? Yup. All true. Sarah Beth has changed? Maybe, but I am pretty sure you would still recognize her.

I am working two jobs, I still have the plant, and I try to be a cleaner person.

I talked to Nathan tonight, and our conversations always feel so forced. I think he feels pressure to try to say something original, and I think I feel pressure to make sure he knows that I love him even though we are so far apart. It's harder than I thought it would be, the being so far away, and I am never sure he understands how much I miss him, how much his absence affects my present.

I am turning 35 tomorrow, so there's that. Greg is great almost all the time. He tolerates my expectations which is saying a lot, and I am learning that not every problem had to be fixed. In fact, I thought about that very idea today for maybe the first time in a long time when I was having a little spat with a friend and co-worker.

Some problems have this almost magical way of becoming unimportant with almost no effort. Now, I don't actually think that Greg is so smart that he always knows which one needs to be addressed and which ones don't. Personally, I think he would be pretty content to just ignore all of them, so I guess that is our balance. Today, in that spat, I felt my old tendencies creeping in as I tried to help my friend fix something she didn't want to fix. I still don't understand knowing there is a problem and not doing anything about it, but I am starting to understand giving it some time to just "be" a problem.

See? I told you I was still me. Incoherent and rambly.

My boyfriend is important, my friends are important, and I am afraid that my son is starting not to need me. 

There is a chance for snow tonight, and I really hope it happens. I would love a snow day and a chance to sit down and get some work done. Oh, yeah, I could totally be doing now, but I think this is good, too. I think I need a place to put my thoughts again. Truth? I am starting to forget who I am. My hope? I hope I find her here, and I promise, if I do, I will not lose her again.