Insignificant and Trashy

This weekend was a roller coaster. It has me thinking in song lyrics. That Rolling Stones song about how you can't always get what you want kind of fades in and out of my head. There is another one that keeps sounding. The lyrics aren't that great, but the idea is pretty solid. The song is about how no one wants to feel insignificant. I guess that is how I have felt this weekend, more than once and in different situations.

My mother is always telling me that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. I got to tell you, I never know what she mean by that, but I promise not to wallow in this for very long.

While on an errand for my aunt, the people that loved my grandmother started and just about finished her memorial service without me. Words don't get there, you know, in that place where all the sad is. I had been holding on for so long, ready to release that grief when I would feel her ashes slip from my hand. Only I didn't get to do that. I felt so small and overlooked. I know, I know, I am a baby and I need to just suck it up. I promise I will.

Why doesn't everyone speak the same language? Why is it so hard to understand what women want and what men mean? I just want to be looked at and longed for and understood. I know, it's a tall order, and I am evaluating my expectations. Keep you posted.

On a happier note!!! This weekend's party was fantastic!

If you are speechless, I totally get it. Liz's White Trash Bash was the most wonderful fix for anyone wanting fun and hotness coupled with Twister and Sangria. That was an insanely awesome throw-down that puts some serious pressure on the up-coming Halloween and Christmas shin-digs.

In other news, The Jackson Sun announces that Halloween is now it's own season. Stay tuned. I am sure that Groundhog Day will be the next deserving holiday to earn it's own season status.

The results are in...

There was a time, not so long ago, when I looked at the title of this blog and thought it funny that I really wasn't talking about the cancer thing all that much. I guess I got into a safe place and stopped letting it run my life. I will be looking for that place again it seems.

Today I learned that the cancer wasn't completely removed and that I am back to square one but on a much more mangled square. I am having another colposcopy on the 13th of October and then another "procedure" at some point in the future.

How do I feel? Deflated. Bored with this. Done. Really pissed off. Futile. Stuck in a rut.

I have good friends and a better outlook than I did the first time around. I have a better idea of what to expect and the questions to ask. This is not the end. Oh no. It is the beginning again.

Going back again...

I am going back to the doctor today to talk about the stuff they cut out of me a few weeks ago. Why am I still freaking out about this? I guess it's just the part of me that is always waiting for the storm clouds at the end of a perfect day.

Think of me today. Thanks.

The Secret Sharer

After a long and searching talk with Liz and her Bunny, I am feeling a little vulnerable. Seems like when the skin is thin and the self is visible that all the things I fear are as close as I imagine them. Most days I feel certain that the mask will slip and the world will see me for the fraud that I am. Will I ever be smart enough? pretty enough? connected enough? loved enough? Yes and no are answers that seem equally likely.

It just isn't ever enough, whatever it is, to make me feel whole. It's a ridiculous search when I don't even know what I am looking for so intently. Am I even looking for anything? I have so much, have survived so much, endured so much. Who am I to want anymore than what I already have?

I want to be the kind of person who doesn't feel undeserving. That was a pretty backwards way of saying that I want to feel like I deserve to be happy. For the longest I have tried to convince myself that happiness is an illusion created by politicians and greeting card companies. Is it possible that there is some joy at the spaces between suffering?

Jibber-Jabber

Does anyone know anything about this Berg lawsuit thing? I am under the impression that this guy is a whack-job, but is there any truth to what he accusing? Let me know, ok?

Hehe, this weekend was awesome. I am reduced to junior high lunch whispering and blushing when I think about how awesome this weekend was. I am goof. I am stutter. I am under the table and laughing at me.

There is also this increasingly ridiculous 90s play list that keeps sounding in my head. I feel like listening to all the CDs that survived high school, but then I remember that I was a real musical chameleon in the mid-90s. Oh yes, if you lost your Ace of Bass CD, do not fear, I have mine.

I am feeling like the Queen of the Dorks. Actually, no. I feel like the dork who sits at the end of the table in the Queen's house. I should sleep. The head is mush and the words make no sense.

Before it begins...

The weekend is almost here. I am crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. For the first time in a long time I have these things to anticipate. Ever the chicken little, I know that the sky will fall and my hopes will be dashed upon the rocks of disappointment that litter the shore of my experiences. Ugh... I am just going to look forward to the weekend with as little expectation as I can possibly have.

Wish me luck.

While the chicken bakes...

Just a few things...

This weekend RAWKED! For a girl who doesn't drink, I spent lots of time in bars this weekend. I just needed to put that out there. I had a t double e double r double i double f double i double c c c time with Liz and Dusty and Alison and Brian and the other couples. Watching what people do from my sober perch really isn't as austere as it sounds. I think I have more fun than anyone. Someday I will sell my secrets.

LOL at McCain's VP's real-life. I don't think anyone saw that one coming, least of all the lawyers that spent "hours" interviewing Miss Sarah.

I am ridiculously happy right now. Remember when I was sad? Well, I am not sad. Taught this morning, worked in the Writing Center this afternoon, picked up Nathan, and now I am about to get dinner from the oven. Oh yeah, and I am not dying from cancer.

Sarah came to town this weekend. I am happy she is doing well and thrilled she had time to come say hello. As soon as I can, I am going to bring a little terror to Nashville.

Buzzer!