Irony

You know that feeling you get when you just know someone is watching you? When it's really strong and you try to deny it, maybe you do what many others do. You call it paranoia and try to ignore it. Somedays it's a twitch and somedays it's a painful tug. Lately, it's just been this annoying reminder that I am not as alone as I am trying to be.

Can't a girl just elect to withdraw?

I guess she can't if she insists on recording her thoughts in a public arena.

It also doesn't help when she resorts to the third person.

Caesar did that and his friends killed him. Holy shit! Now that is ironic!

It hurts me when people talk about me and laugh about my life.

It's what people do, I suppose. We sit in circles, say nice things, and then, one day, the circle breaks, and all the good things gush from the circle as if they were never there. I am only one person, and I am not enough of a person to really be a circle. I'm broken and gushing and not apologizing.

I hear what you say. I imagine it, I ponder it, I wish I wasn't someone you still laughed at so much. I don't talk about you. Please stop. I am begging.

Top Ten (U2 has been on Dave all week)

Last night I was reminded of the things that I like. I thought it might be fun to write them down somewhere.

1. I like college campuses (sp?) at night. There is something magical about darkened concrete pathways and libraries that are fully lit at 9 pm.
2. I like good conversations with people that I didn't really know in high school. I get to be reminded that some people really do grow up, and they grow up to be nicer adults.
3. I like finding things I wrote when I was less than 20. I like that some things have stayed the same, and I like that some things are totally different. Both are great.
4. I like people who say nice things about people they know and people they don't know. I want to be one of those people.
5. I like friends who know exactly when to call. ESP comes from years of good friendships and minutes of being friends with people you are just destined to know. I like friends who continue to love me even when I don't answer.
6. I like my reality even if it is not shared. This is deep; let's ponder it.
7. I like that there are people who get me and people who don't. The ones who get me remind me that I am not alone, and the ones who don't get me remind me that i am not alone.
8. I like that I am not writing this for anyone.
9. I like days when it rains and it is sunny. Seeing the cycle of clouds and rain and sun and breezes kind of makes me wonder what it was like when there weren't so many freaking people everywhere. Like maybe the sun and the breeze had coffee together and said nice things about the clouds.
10. I like the librarian at the school where I work. He is as enraged about the MLA changes as I am, and we get to talk about it without feeling self-conscious.

Dave only does 10, so I guess I will stop there.

Blog-by (kinda like a drive-by, get it?)

This weekend was outstanding. Basketball, music, friends, bars, and snow were all on the ticket. None of it was ever set in stone, and all of it happened. How cool is that? Well, I think it is pretty awesome.

Spring thaw?

I am looking forward to Spring Break like I am one of them (read: my students). I am looking forward to Spring like I am a hibernating bear. Hopefully, this attitude will shed itself and release me from the grump I have become lately. I am happy to report that something in me is thawing, and if I could just locate the source of the warmth, I feel like I could maybe speed up the process. Tiger basketball is helping, I can say that for sure.

Couched

This band I like has a song called "seasonal funk." Maybe that is what it is. Maybe I am that lady that is so perpetually unhappy that I feel like I can't be around the happy people for fear that I will infect them with this sickness. My saner, logical self says I should just pull my head out of my ass. Why can't I just do that? Why do the smallest things send me into some spiral of sadness? This weekend I couldn't get a couch to fit into my door, and for that I cried half the day. I hate one of my jobs so much that I am sitting here with headphones on wishing for the clock to move just a little bit faster.

They (the people I work with) think I don't know how much they hate me. I know they do, it really isn't all that hard to figure out. This morning my boss pulled aside one of her friends so they could talk about the party I wasn't invited to last night. Last week a tiny thing I said offended someone I work with to the point that she is threatening (via facebook...) to punch me in the face. I apologized as soon as I said it. It doesn't matter.

And so here, in the sanctity of a blog that no one reads, I will make my case against her at least.

My boss at the WC has this habit of starting each meeting with a lateral thinking exercise. A group of people try to figure out the explanation for an odd circumstance by asking questions that are "out of the box." Well, on one particular day, this line of questioning pursued by my co-workers resulted in an explanation that was more or less the tragic way that my father had died. A room full of people laughed and joked about the thing that still causes me to cry like a child. My boss apologized as soon as she realized what she had done. I sucked it up and moved on. I haven't brought it up again.

That's just it. It's what adults do. I am just not wrong about this. Not this time.

So I can't be a child and sulk about a party I wasn't invited to. I can't be a child even though it's what I want to do more than anything. I can't be a child because there are already too many children.

All I can do is wait for the funk to pass. I can look for the things that make me strong. I can do what I know gives me joy. I can hope for a day when sunshine warms my face and my soul. I can look for someone to buy the couch that won't fit through my door.

Back to the trenches

I haven't written in here in so long... but there is only one person I know who reads this (hello, Sarah).

School started back today, and well, this funny thing happened on the way to the forum... Ha, I couldn't help myself. Class went really well, or, well maybe they just didn't totally bomb, whatever. I hadn't really planned what I was going to say, and I knew I was going to wing it for the most part. Sarah says this is what experienced teachers do. I know I am not experienced, but maybe I am just not a newbie anymore. Hey, that works for me. Sorta...

I feel like all the new is dripping out of teaching and what is left over resembles one of those wine skins that I have never actually seen but works well for this metaphor (simile?). Meh, I got some cool news today, and once it is on paper (and therefore real) I will alert my blog.

Sarah is going to be here tonight. There will be sushi and talk and all will be wonderful. Whatever it is.