The end of fun

Lord have mercy what a long few days this has been. From school to Valentines Day to just stuff in general, I feel like I am doing as much as I possibly can just to keep from getting swallowed up.

I teach at two schools now so that I can make some extra money. It means that any spare time I get really feels like I am cheating because there is literally ALWAYS something that I need to be doing.

It's Sunday, and I have spent most of the morning working on the "stack" of papers that I started on yesterday. Although, to be fair, I had played with it a little bit throughout the week. However, I am proud to say that I am done with the virtual stack with which I started the weekend, but...

Now I am getting emails from students who don't know how to read the comments on the software. I am also getting emails from students who don't know why they can't see discussion posts. Somewhere in the questions and answers, I really want to scream, "FIGURE IT OUT!!" to these students, but I need to keep this job. Anyway, later today when I venture to the office to start on my actual job, I will be able to address these issues. Perhaps a little more cool-ly? Lord, I hope so...

So yeah, it's work, work, work as of late. I did get to go out for a fun night out on Friday. It was Valentine's day and Greg and I went to a thing at the museum. It was fun and we had dinner at restaurant. He says we will go out for a nicer dinner since what we had there was really mediocre, but I honestly cannot fathom how we will make time for that.

He works all the time, and I feel like a loser when all I want to do is sit on the couch and not think.

Planning to call Nathan today and see how his first Saturday school went. He's not in trouble! His school has officially used up all of it's snow days, so they had to have Saturday school to make up for the lost day. He was not happy about it when I spoke to him last. In fact, he was discussing how he might actually talk his dad into letting him skip it. I would never agree to that, but I have a feeling his dad might. I really hope Bill stood his ground on that one. Crossing my fingers.

So much left to do today, but I am trying to keep an eye the fact that I have already accomplished a lot.

The morning after

Another birthday has come and gone, and the snowed stayed away. I guess I am glad, but I really just wanted to see it. This morning sleet is falling and covering the ground, but there is little hope that they will bar the doors for this weather event. Temps are supposed to reach 38 today. Boo.

I was able to reconnect with a friend yesterday for lunch and a trip to the nail salon. She brought her daughter who I hadn't seen since she was very tiny. It was so good to see them, and I sincerely hope that she and I will work harder to stay more present in each other's lives.

The other night, I went back and read a lot of the old posts in this blog, and I was surprised by all the times I talked about my friends. It was actually a little humbling. OK, a lot humbling. I don't think I have been a great friend lately, and I think I am going to work on that.

Pausing to listen to the closings... nope. We're still a go.

Yesterday was quite lovely. Greg took me out to a nice dinner, Nathan sent me some flowers, and I got lots of nice notes on Facebook. I wish everyday could be my birthday. February 12th might actually be the saddest day.

Teaching Candide today and some Basho as well. I taught the Basho earlier this week, so I feel pretty sure of what I am going to do with that, but the Candide is a little rusty. I am pretty sure I have in in the bag, but I don't remember exactly how I did it last time. I probably will remember as I am teaching it all the things I wanted to do differently this time. That's usually how most of this goes.

Time to get moving. I really wish someone would say that school is closed today. Oh well. It's hump day and Valentine's Day is just around the corner. There is lots to look forward to in the coming days. And I still have cake! ;)

Hoping for snow

Hi... Remember me? I accidentally on purpose looked to see of this thing still existed, and there it was as if I had never left. I read through some old posts from times that I had ABSOLUTELY wiped from memory, and then I remembered something else. I liked doing this. I even think I like that no one reads it. It's nice that somewhere in the world the words that I write exist in an almost anonymous place.

No need to fill in all the details, but the big ones are that in June my son moved to Virginia to try a year with his dad and at the end of 2013 I moved in with my boyfriend. Wha? Yup. All true. Sarah Beth has changed? Maybe, but I am pretty sure you would still recognize her.

I am working two jobs, I still have the plant, and I try to be a cleaner person.

I talked to Nathan tonight, and our conversations always feel so forced. I think he feels pressure to try to say something original, and I think I feel pressure to make sure he knows that I love him even though we are so far apart. It's harder than I thought it would be, the being so far away, and I am never sure he understands how much I miss him, how much his absence affects my present.

I am turning 35 tomorrow, so there's that. Greg is great almost all the time. He tolerates my expectations which is saying a lot, and I am learning that not every problem had to be fixed. In fact, I thought about that very idea today for maybe the first time in a long time when I was having a little spat with a friend and co-worker.

Some problems have this almost magical way of becoming unimportant with almost no effort. Now, I don't actually think that Greg is so smart that he always knows which one needs to be addressed and which ones don't. Personally, I think he would be pretty content to just ignore all of them, so I guess that is our balance. Today, in that spat, I felt my old tendencies creeping in as I tried to help my friend fix something she didn't want to fix. I still don't understand knowing there is a problem and not doing anything about it, but I am starting to understand giving it some time to just "be" a problem.

See? I told you I was still me. Incoherent and rambly.

My boyfriend is important, my friends are important, and I am afraid that my son is starting not to need me. 

There is a chance for snow tonight, and I really hope it happens. I would love a snow day and a chance to sit down and get some work done. Oh, yeah, I could totally be doing now, but I think this is good, too. I think I need a place to put my thoughts again. Truth? I am starting to forget who I am. My hope? I hope I find her here, and I promise, if I do, I will not lose her again.

Baby steps

The semester is officially up and running. This week I have already spoken of due dates and plagairism. There will be student-y things for me to read on Friday, and even more the next week. I am just saying... it is upon me.

As I embark on my first journey teaching literature, I am overwhelmed with both joy and anxiety. I feel like I am giving them my baby everyday and just hoping that they learn to love it and don't hurt it.

Oh, and I am turning 32 in a couple weeks. Yikes.

School is now in session

Telling a kid that he DOES have school is a really crappy moment in parenting. A lot of other school systems are out because of the snow that really isn't a threat to driving conditions anymore, and my son does walk to school, but these points are completely lost on a 6th grader who had the time of his life yesterday. What I am wishing for right now is a heat wave. I want the snow to be gone when he gets out of school so the reminder of the wonder and excitement can fade into the pictures we took and the memories we made.

Take care

While I was away over Christmas/New Year, I forgot to ask anyone to water my plant. I wish I had taken a picture of it. It was totally dead when I came home. I watered it, talked to it, and hoped for it. The plant came back! I know it seems silly, but that plant has been in my window for over 3 years. I have looked at it and talked to it and told it all kinds of things as I wash dishes and cook meals. Having it almost wither in front of me reminded me that too many things are precious and need care.

That silly plant is a metaphor for a lot of things in my life right now. I have to take better care of myself mainly. I have to remind myself that sometimes my needs come first but that i have to know what those needs are first.

Heading back to the office today. The syllabus for this lit course will get written, and ecourseware will stop being such a mystery to me. I will water and take care of that with gentle hands and a warm heart as well!

Hello 2011

There is too much to do, so of course I am doing this!

Another year has come and gone and with it I have grown and learned as well. This past year saw me finally cutting the ties that were restricting blood flow and oxygen to the life I have always wanted. Pain and joy are at either end of the pole that I carry as I walk along the tightrope of emotional well-being. The child I was in the past I can't seem to leave is still present in my lived life. So today and tomorrow and all the days after I am working on looking forward and not back, up and not down, and who I want to be and not who I was.

Again this year, I was reminded of just how beautiful friends are and important and priceless and vital. Friendships are... well, they are the air I breathe these days. i don't know where I would be without the love they show me.

Nathan is such a huge part of my life in a way that goes beyond words. Being a better mom dominates my thoughts and is the source of so much anxiety. Do it right? Do it better? Take each day in stride and act like I totally have it all together? This year and all the years from now I want to work on listening more and hearing what he is saying without applying the filter of what I want to hear. Our smooth road is showing signs of being rocky, not now, bur later. I can just feel it...

Move forward, move forward, move forward...