Laterz

I'm taking a break from the net.

Brace yourself

Had a goofy-good time with my mom last night - I know, shock and awe, right? Hold on to your socks - I had a good time with my mom at a jewelry party she hosted! I will pause while you lift your jaw from the floor...

Ok, so yeah, that actually happened, and rather than analyze it, I am just going to be grateful and reserve this memory for the times when I am contemplating graver matters.

Had to call security on a student yesterday. You know how I am always talking about getting my balls out of my pocket? Well, I so found them yesterday, and I actually think they weren't even in my pocket at all!

Seriously, though, between you and me, I was totally freaked out, and even today, I am still jittery about the whole ordeal. Long and the short, this guy totally went off in front of the class right before the exam was about to begin.

It was intense, and I felt like I had to protect the other students from this guy. I was in the act of doing just that when it occurred to me that I was putting myself in harm's way. After it was over, a few people offered to stay and walk me to my car. Awwww, I heart them.

Quickie

Giving exams this morning. Let the awesomeness begin.

Restart

Friends and enemies. Neither as close as they need to be. Smiling at the mediocre, knowing that isn't me. Not even guilty about the smugness of it all.

Morning after

When people get drunk... maybe that's all I have to say. I just end up taking care of those who probably should just lay off from time to time, you know?

Marriage is for suckers. Maybe not all marriages, maybe not all suckers, but yeah, I think so.

Hangovers are not experiences to be shared.

Silly silly silly

Goodbye, April. Hello, May. I see you around the corner of this rainy month. Bring sunshine and better days and inspirational unexpectedness. Bring fresh starts and warm hearts and someone to liven up the day.

Rest easy, April. You did what you could. I am glad you are gone, and I am thankful for what you taught me. Thing is, you are a rough month from beginning to end, and I am glad to be done with you. It may sound harsh, it may sound cruel, but that's the way it bes sometimes, and that's all I got for you.

C'mon, May, warm up my cold heart and put a smile on my face. Teach me the secrets that you hold in your transitional realm. Take me on a ramble, challenge me a little, hold me a lot, and give me a feeling that isn't something I already got.

A tall order you think? It's all riding on you. May you have what no other month has, and that's my faith that you are the month to turn it all around. You can do it, I just know you can. And if you can't, then what's what? Another month you say?

Months I ain't got. Time I don't spare. May, you don't surprise me, you don't scare me none. You're just like all the other months, disappointing me before you're even here. Silly, May, with your three letter name, I guess it's on me again.

It's not the month or the year or the shirt I wear. Doing what I need to do happens every day of every year.

Republished

I wrote what follows during my last couple of months of grad school. It's.. well, it's amazing to be reminded by myself what I want for myself. Thanks, self.

What it is.

So I am in grad school, right? And one of those questions that keeps getting thrown around stems from the one that asks, "What does it mean?" only it is more like, "What does it not mean?" Because the one thing that I have learned is that there isn’t anything that is absolute This is the idea which ultimately reaches the point where meaning does not exist. It’s kind of the same as Plato’s, "I know that I know nothing" only it is on a bigger scale, the scale being everything that ever was only it never really was to begin with. Ya dig? It’s cool if you don’t.

Deep down, I think I am starting to realize that this is some archaic creation dreamed up by scholars who saw that there might be an end to knowledge and dreamed up this scheme as a way of creating job security. I can actually appreciate those hoodwinkers if that is the case. I swear, this is going somewhere.

See, I watched this movie tonight... Wait, don’t judge me yet, there will be a brief judgement session near the end, just stay with me for now and curb your desire to roll your eyes. If you have already rolled your eyes, fine, thanks for continuing to read...

So this movie was one that has been on my "I need to watch" list for about as long as any of them, but I decided to get it and put off work for 2 and a half hours longer. Here is the question I have.. I will reveal the movie later, just staving off that imminent judgement...

If we don’t have someone to tell our story, if we don’t tell our story, then were we ever really here at all? If we don’t share, if we don’t feel in the presence of others, then who are we when we aren’t?

Here is most of where those questions led me...

So I blog infrequently and at some point when I don’t have a pulse, these rambles will be one of the few remaining shadows of the time when I was around. I know, it sounds awful, but it’s just something for me to think as a member of the living. But here it is... What I put here is still not my story. There are a thousand things that I think and feel that at least nibble at what makes up my center. That is, provided, I even have a center. I never say these stories, I never write them, I never feel them in the presence of others. Is there something inside me that because it lacks the expression actually impedes me from ever existing in the world at all? Am I here in this moment or am I only what you think I am, thought I was, want me to be? I swear, I got all of this from a movie.

So I am in grad school, and reality is something that is built and rebuilt and often just an imagination run amuck. So I watch this movie and I realize that I am a memory of myself to anyone who has ever known me or ever will know me. What do I do with that?

I do this.

For every moment that I am alive, from this point until the next, I want to let others know that we are all in this together. Life, with its many layers both real and unreal, are only what they are for us and not me alone. Richness and color are one-sided and hollow without other eyes to give to me what we give to it, and I only want to know what you know so that I can know it, too.

I will not live in a valley. I will not live on a mountain. I will live in the place where your shadow touches mine and the sun touches us all. Seriously. That’s really what it is. Whatever it is.

The movie was Into the Wild. Commence with the judgement, you have been patient long enough.