Baby steps

The semester is officially up and running. This week I have already spoken of due dates and plagairism. There will be student-y things for me to read on Friday, and even more the next week. I am just saying... it is upon me.

As I embark on my first journey teaching literature, I am overwhelmed with both joy and anxiety. I feel like I am giving them my baby everyday and just hoping that they learn to love it and don't hurt it.

Oh, and I am turning 32 in a couple weeks. Yikes.

School is now in session

Telling a kid that he DOES have school is a really crappy moment in parenting. A lot of other school systems are out because of the snow that really isn't a threat to driving conditions anymore, and my son does walk to school, but these points are completely lost on a 6th grader who had the time of his life yesterday. What I am wishing for right now is a heat wave. I want the snow to be gone when he gets out of school so the reminder of the wonder and excitement can fade into the pictures we took and the memories we made.

Take care

While I was away over Christmas/New Year, I forgot to ask anyone to water my plant. I wish I had taken a picture of it. It was totally dead when I came home. I watered it, talked to it, and hoped for it. The plant came back! I know it seems silly, but that plant has been in my window for over 3 years. I have looked at it and talked to it and told it all kinds of things as I wash dishes and cook meals. Having it almost wither in front of me reminded me that too many things are precious and need care.

That silly plant is a metaphor for a lot of things in my life right now. I have to take better care of myself mainly. I have to remind myself that sometimes my needs come first but that i have to know what those needs are first.

Heading back to the office today. The syllabus for this lit course will get written, and ecourseware will stop being such a mystery to me. I will water and take care of that with gentle hands and a warm heart as well!

Hello 2011

There is too much to do, so of course I am doing this!

Another year has come and gone and with it I have grown and learned as well. This past year saw me finally cutting the ties that were restricting blood flow and oxygen to the life I have always wanted. Pain and joy are at either end of the pole that I carry as I walk along the tightrope of emotional well-being. The child I was in the past I can't seem to leave is still present in my lived life. So today and tomorrow and all the days after I am working on looking forward and not back, up and not down, and who I want to be and not who I was.

Again this year, I was reminded of just how beautiful friends are and important and priceless and vital. Friendships are... well, they are the air I breathe these days. i don't know where I would be without the love they show me.

Nathan is such a huge part of my life in a way that goes beyond words. Being a better mom dominates my thoughts and is the source of so much anxiety. Do it right? Do it better? Take each day in stride and act like I totally have it all together? This year and all the years from now I want to work on listening more and hearing what he is saying without applying the filter of what I want to hear. Our smooth road is showing signs of being rocky, not now, bur later. I can just feel it...

Move forward, move forward, move forward...

Snow flurries

Nathan has gone to Jackson for several days. I have made big plans to clean and scrub everything in existence while he is not here. However, I awoke to a delightful dusting and decided to read a new book. I have put the book down for a quick bite to eat and a quick entry, and then I am returning to the book. It is so freaking good. Sadly for my cleaning plans, this book is part of a trilogy... Ah best laid plans and all that.

I am accomplishing a lot of professional goals

The professional goals entry seems like an anti-climactic end, but so it goes. Thing is, it is actually a pretty good way to end the list because it is a beginning of sorts. You see, the times they are a changing, and job security is a luxury I do not have. Oh sure, I am well-liked and doing a good job, but that, dear reader, does not a tenured professor make. What will I do to make my star a little shinier? What will I do to make just a little easier to renew my contract every three years? I will be productive!

Amid a uniquely treacherous summer, I made a personal commitment to add at least 3 things to my CV. I have done just that! I worked for TN DOE in partnership with Pearson on two projects for the EOC test, I was elected and now serve on the department’s Lower Division Committee, and I had a paper accepted to a conference coming up in March. I also participated in two service projects as well as added another course to my CV. My service to the Committee also includes an ad hoc committee for textbook selection for fall courses, so I am sure I can find a way to work that onto the old CV. I suppose that means I doubled my goal number, but for now I am just going to enjoy meeting the goal not surpassing it.

There will be more, but I am slowing down a bit to make sure the things I have added are not just words on a page. I have these other goals that include really getting into the service I can do now that I am no longer in school.

Where is the PhD you might wonder? Well, it’s out there, y’all, it really is. Life is really good for now, and I am not in any hurry to rock the boat that sits finally on a tranquil lake. The view is nice. I want to savor it, rejoice in it, and marinate for a bit. For the first time in my life I can say that I think I deserve to enjoy what I have been working so hard towards having. There is sun and rain, warm and cold, and, yes, joy and pain.

My mother and I are not speaking

Look, I said I went away to a place where I could write moody blogs. This thing with my mom is what drove me there, and for some reason I really don’t want to go into every detail here. Sure, this on thing happened, and these words were spoken, and everything changed. However, I am happier than I have ever been, and I really think that part of my joy comes from releasing me from that relationship.

People have told me since all this happened that they knew my mom was mean and hard to handle and fake and all that. When people say that about a member of your family, you are supposed to get defensive and angry and rush to that family member’s aid. I don’t do that, I feel heard when people say that. I feel defended.

Things were sometimes good between us, I am the first to admit it. There were a lot of times that I felt really lucky to have a mom like mine. Ok, maybe a few times I felt that way. Alright, at least 5 times. The point is, in there somewhere there are some better moments than where we are now, but I am done. There isn’t anything I want to hear, there isn’t anything I feel like I need to say, and there isn’t enough time that will pass to make this better.

It’s the holidays, and I just want to make it through. The part of this that causes me the most strife is Nathan’s relationship with her. I don’t want to stand in the middle, and I don’t want to keep them apart. I make sure he gets time with all of his family because he loves them, and I won’t be the one tearing that love apart or challenging it. There is a tiny voice in my head that says , “You will figure it out someday.” But for now, I try to quiet that voice.

I know it is a vague rendering, and I am sorry if it seems superficial, but I really am done explaining it.